Rawdoggin' Blog

2024

2023

 I’m not sure how long this post is going to be. I feel like I start most of my posts out like this now whatever media that may be out. But it’s always because I don’t know how much I have to say until I start. I’m already super nervous starting this because I know it’s gonna be emotional. 

I got done crying about an hour ago, specifically for this reason that I’m about to talk about. And the pain just gets so intense. When I’m around other people, I feel embarrassed to cry as hard as I feel like I need to do. So, I just cry silently, and I think it hurts even more because I’m not letting out all of my emotions completely.

As of yesterday, when I’m writing this, it has been six months since Oaklee passed.

I don’t know how to explain the way that I feel in words. So I’m kind of just trying my best. I can’t believe it, and some moments it feels like it just happened and another is it feels like it’s been forever. But then really sat down and thought about the fact that I didn’t how old my boy in six months. I haven’t heard his laugh or his cries in six months. I haven’t seen his joyful smile in six months and it kills me inside. It is the worst pain. I feel it deep within my heart, my stomach, my chest, and my soul. 

I’m not sure if it’s the worst feeling or not when I think about how I will NEVER see him walk, talk, get his first tooth, run around with Unity, grow, eat his birthday cake, open his first present, go to school, count, color, throw a tantrum, never. 

I had this thought recently cross my mind and it hit harder than normal. 

I won’t ever get to be with him again, in this lifetime, ever ever again. 

Truly trying to grasp the thought of “forever” has been fucking with me, a lot. 

Then that gets me thinking how difficult these last 6 months must have been for Unity. 4 years old trying to just live and learn about life, while also dealing with the loss of her baby brother. 

If I can’t imagine forever, or know how to deal with this loss, how the hell will she? 

Am I failing at helping her? 

Do I make it worse by not crying in front of her? 

Do I make it worse when I do? 

What can I do to help her more? 

Will this fuck her up in the long run? 

I just have all of these thoughts constantly going through my head, on top of so many more and it becomes so overwhelming that I just shut down. 

I’ve been depressed recently, which is kind of surprising, or at least I’m assuming it’s surprising to others, because I’ve been pretty active compared to the last few months. I’ve been getting out more, being a bit more active, reading, and cleaning a lot more. 

Yet, I’m struggling a few days a week to even get out of bed, or stay patient with Unity. Struggling to cook multiple meals a day, and also make time to play or make a craft. Oh and don’t forget the 7 loads of laundry that need to be done and are just lying on the laundry room floor. Or maybe the huge pile of dishes that need to be done after I finish crying silently in the bathroom at 3:00 in the morning. What about all the random shit that’s just laying on my floor, can’t tell if it’s clean, dirt, used or not, and is that a used pull-up?! 

My mind is racing and all over the place 24/7. Whether I’m sleeping or not, it’s always going. I’ve even been having nightmares recently, pretty vivid ones at that. About a week about I had a nightmare with FOUR false awakenings. If you don’t know what that is, the best way I can explain it is this. Have you ever had a dream and then wake up, but then something is a little off and you realize you’re still dreaming? That is a false awakening. We’ll imagine that happening 4 times within one dream, then once you wake up you realize you’ve only been asleep for 30 minutes. GROSS! 

It was very disorienting, but oh well this is just a small example of what my sleeping has been like recently. Then having to wake up and repeat the day you did before kinda just makes it worse. Then add on the normal stress of: being an adult, mom, that also stays home, and having to grieve on top of it, while also trying to help your toddler do the same, without losing your mind. 

I just don’t want to do it half the time. It’s so hard to keep going when you can’t see the progress that you’re making. Some days I am aware of the progress I’m making, but then by night time I’m right back to sobbing until I can’t anymore and then distract myself for 3 hours playing Sims and watching podcasts. 

Then finally realized, “Oh the sims starting to come up, it’s 5:00 in the morning and Ozzy needs to be awake in 30 minutes, I might as well just stay awake until then to make sure he gets up.”

2 of our 7 days of the week end with me going to sleep at 8 A.M. be chase I stayed up waiting for Ozzy and then not about to go to sleep, and eventually had to wake up 2-3 hours later when Unity was up. Just try to imagine how shitty I am that day to EVERYONE, including myself. 

I’m not sure how this post ended up with me just giving you guys a step-by-step guide on how to be a grieving SAHM like me. But hopefully, you enjoyed the ride. 

Seriously though, I do appreciate all of you who read my posts. I’d be doing this even if you didn’t, but when I get feedback, advice, or even just someone acknowledging that they read a bit, it means a lot and it brings me joy. Also, it helps me feel less stupid for spending $200 on this website a year. Thank you all for continuing to support me and allowing me to share my thoughts with you all without judgment. 

I love you, my boy, I will long for you forever. I love you my Boaka Boy!

• Mommy

Hey guys, it’s been such a long time since I’ve made a post and I thought it might be nice to give you all an update on everything going on and explain a bit as to why I’ve been gone for so long. 

I wanna start this off by saying that this may be a difficult piece to read for some if not all of you. 

On December 4th, 2022, my baby boy Oaklee passed away in his sleep. I’m not going to go too deep with specific details because it’s still hard for me to revisit. 

Since then my and my family’s lives have undergone huge challenges and changes happening, what seems like daily. I cannot speak for everyone, so I won’t but like I said I wanna give you guys a little update on what life has been like.

I’ve been absent for way longer than just December. I’m not sure exactly why, but I’m assuming it was due to the amount of stress I was under at the time. This blog was a priority of mine for a while until it wasn’t. 

I’ve continued my self-love and healing journey. But of course, there have been A LOT of hurdles I’ve had to overcome, and still am. 

No one was expecting this traumatic event to occur, so as I said before life has been changing rapidly. We moved into a home, which is also in a new city, so we have a different space to call home and it finally feels like one, and I couldn’t be more thankful. 

Ozzy has gotten 2 promotions I believe since my last post. I am so proud of him for what he has achieved, and the best part about it is he loves his job, so it makes me even happier. 

Unity finally has her ABCs down, she’s about 95% of the way potty trained (for the 2nd time but I’ll get into that later) and she's growing like a damn weed, and she’s about to be four in a couple of weeks!!!  

I started going to school at the beginning of January, to get my diploma after all these years. If you don’t know I dropped out at the beginning of junior year when I found out I was pregnant due to threats and negativity. I’m so proud of myself, I graduate very very soon, on May 19!!! 

Now to get into the more real and raw things going on because, y’all know that’s how we do it here! My mental health has been super rocky, to say the least. In the very beginning, I was putting up this front, forcing myself to stay positive, while still allowing myself to feel any emotions that may come up, but the problem is, there were barely any. I’ve stayed on this spiritual path that I’ve been on and it’s been helping a lot. 

I have so many negative thoughts surrounding this entire situation, that I can only hope will stop eventually, but I’m learning to accept the fact that maybe they never will. 

I feel a lot of guilt, even though we’ve gotten the death certificate back, and autopsy reports back, it doesn’t make a difference. I still feel this horrible guilt, and I blame myself. I think about all the things I could’ve done differently, or more of, etc.

If I’m being completely honest I don’t think anyone or anything can ever take this pain away, and it’s the worst feeling in the world. Every other problem I’ve ever had may have felt like it would never be resolved, but it was, this one I don’t think it ever will. 

I’m grieving, I’m mourning, I’m devastated, I’m hurt, I’m lost, I’m overwhelmed, I’m sad, I’m heartbroken, I’m depressed. 

But I’m still pushing through. 

It’s not easy by any means. The other night I bawled my eyes out so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath and I thought I was going to die. I woke up the next morning looking like I was allergic to my tears, my eyes were the puffiest I’d ever seen them. 

Nights are the worst for me, I’ll get this urge to look at his pictures and videos and just sit here in bed and sob. I talk to him a lot too, and he’s even come and visited me in my dreams a few times. I miss my boy more than anything in this world. I’m still really trying to accept the fact that he’s gone. It’s almost been 6 months and I still cannot believe it. I don’t want to. 

Unity is taking it as well as she can I guess. She’s struggling a lot too, probably as bad as I am but she just can’t express it in the ways she wants. She talks about him daily, sings songs to him, looks at the pictures we have hanging up, and just talks to him, she’s written letters and even recorded a video for him. Every new person we meet she tells them that her baby brother “Oaka” passed away. It honestly makes everyone uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say but I know it’s just her way of coping with things. As I mentioned before, this is her second time being almost completely potty trained, she started to regress a few weeks before he passed, and after he did she was fully back into pull-ups again. Seeing my baby girl in so much pain, while also having so many questions that I have no answers to is horrible. She's on her journey with grief and it’s just really hard to know exactly what to say or do, or what not to do or say, everything is super complicated with this, so I just try to be as honest and real with her, while also handling her emotions with care.

I wanna be able to take the pain away from her, but it’s impossible. I’ve been looking into a therapist for her, but no one takes children younger than 5 so it’s been a struggle, to say the least. I’m just doing the best I can.

Ozzy seems to be taking it decently, but when his walls come down or he’s having a rough day, it shows and it’s so heartbreaking. We’ve had many conversations about this, but I know he still feels this need to “stay strong” since “he’s the man” in the house. He’s slowly opening up and allowing himself to feel, which is amazing progress. I do think he is distracting himself from a lot of it though. 

This journey of grieving, especially someone so close to us, is affecting us all in many different ways. So when they say everyone deals with it differently, it’s true. 

Oaklee’s birthday just passed a week ago, and let me tell you it was a super hard day. A couple of my friends got together and sent us a cake for him. And I almost cried, and so did Ozzy. It was one of the sweetest gestures anyone has ever made, especially since I met them online and they live in different states. 

LOVE YOU GUYS!!! 

By the end of the night, I should’ve been drunk, but I wasn’t. We drank an entire bottle of crown within an hour, and I wasn’t blacked out. It was weird, but hey I did have my 21st birthday in March so I’m legal now. Anyway, it was a rough night, to say the least, and it sucked. 

We had a little party for him last Saturday, had both families and friends get together to celebrate and it was nice. Since that day I’ve been kinda off my shit. Just trying to get through every day, and failing pretty much every day. School was on the back burner, cleaning as well, and my patience was out the window so Unity and Ozzy felt the wrath of all that. 

My emotions are all over the place, constantly. My brain never stops, but it’s surprisingly difficult for me to open up to others about the feelings I have surrounding his passing. I feel this strong urge to stay strong, in front of others specifically. That’s why I cry almost always around 3:30 am when no one is awake. I also don’t want to be a burden to anyone, make them feel sad, or overthink their life, because of a trauma that I experienced. 

 I’m learning to enjoy being alone, and how to give myself the love and comfort that I need. I will say, it's super hard for me to ask for help, but I could use some. I’m super hard on myself, so yes I’m aware that this is a difficult time for me and things may be more overwhelming, but I can't seem to let myself, just breathe. It’s a shitty situation, yeah, but I’m working on it…

Fast forward to today, and it was finally a great day! I cleaned for the first time in a week, made a budget, played with Unity, finished a bunch of school, and did laundry! Oh, and I also made a bomb-ass dinner, fried venison, potatoes, and mixed vegetables! It was one of the best meals I’ve made in a long time! 

It’s 3:00 am right now so I think I’m gonna wrap this up, but I guess the last of what I have to say is. 

This journey/process of grieving a child is terrible, but I am learning to find the little things in my day that bring me joy and peace. And weirdly, that is also what Oaklee taught me while he was here, so I think this is just a continuation of that. 

He taught me so many things in such a short amount of time, and now I think is when all of those lessons are being put to the test, which is super difficult, but needed, and if this is the reason he was put here then I am determined to learn these lessons and live by them for the rest of my life.

He exudes positivity, happiness, and peace. So that is what I am striving for, from this point forward. Not to say there won’t be bumps in the road, because there’s been MANY! 

I have a lot more to say, but I’m just going to leave this here for now. 

Writing is my way of coping, venting, and healing, so you’ll probably see a few more posts here. If you stick around that is. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I make no promises to be consistent, but when I feel like I have something important to share, I’ll be back!

Zadi

<3

2022

Hello hello everyone! I don’t even wanna get into everything explaining why I have been absent, BUT just like I said, I did not forget about you!!! This week I’m trying to kick this off with a bang (maybe) by talking about the “Terrorist 3’s” I’m not sure if that’s an actual saying or if I made it up but we’re gonna roll with it. 

I came up with this topic around 1 am today, when my daughter, Unity, was up screaming at her dad to wake up and got into a box of rice and spilled it EVERYWHERE. 

This is nothing compared to the evening we had tonight. Kicking, screaming, punching, yelling, etc. all because she didn’t wanna go to the corner for doing said things. It turned into this whole situation when it didn’t need to. I forget what exactly happened that led to this debacle. But I can guarantee it went something like this, I told her “no” about something and she flipped her shit. 

I can guarantee that because it happens almost every day. And if I’m being real, I don’t need anyone coming at me saying shit about the way I handle situations like this with my kid because she's my child and I’m doing what I believe is right, end of that. 

Anyways, yes, things like this happen almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day, depending on if she’s had a nap or if she had a good night’s sleep. This is just my life, I signed up for it and I love it, I just had no clue wtf I was getting myself into with a toddler! 

Everyone always talks about “Terrible 2’s” NAH let’s talk about “Terrorist 3’s”!! This shit is insane! The amount of attitude, sass, and anger that fits in this small body is amazing! I’m not sure if she has some anger issues or what but she’s wildin’ 24/7. The shit that comes out of a girl’s mouth baffles me most of the time. And yes of course 95% of the time she’s heard it from me, so I really can’t be too upset cause it’s my fault, BUT hearing it come out of a 3-year-olds mouth is both hilarious and appalling at the same time. I’m in the process of trying to clean up my mouth, but that's beside the point. The way that she can put two and two together is great!

She so so smart, and I’m super proud of her! On the flip side, she’s a little too smart for her good at the moment. She’s ALWAYS talking back to anyone who comes in her path and dares to disagree with her. She’s starting to lie, and that pisses me off because I never believe a thing that comes out of her mouth, and if I don’t find the evidence I never really know what happens. 

I feel like a crime scene investigator half the time because I have to figure out what happened (really). Who did it (the dog, Unity, or my boyfriend)? And why? Then somehow when I find poop on the floor, or the trash can dumped all over my floor and then figure out all that I need to know. I'm then supposed to stay completely calm, articulate myself well, and clean up whatever was done, with a smile on my face…I think not! 

Then to top all that off when I’m trying to clean it all up, and I take whatever it is away from her, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! I'm getting hit, kicked, she’s throwing herself on the ground looking like the exorcist, throwing shit harder than I could against the wall. So I finally get fed up, and put her in the corner, after counting to three like there’s a demon inside me of course. And it just gets even worse, she threatens to piss or shit on my floor, starts scratching and/or hitting herself or the wall, or just goes limp like a rag doll so I can’t pick her up. OH unless she runs to her room, slams the door, or hides in a small space that I can’t get to her fast enough before she’s gone again. 

This shit is crazy, and I deal with it daily give or take. How am I still mentally stable? I’m not. This kid gives me a run for my money. But she’s super cute, and sweet when she wants to be. So it makes the hell I go through worth it! 

And that ladies is what it’s like to have a 3-year-old…well at least my 3-year-old. 

For all, I know my son, Oaklee, will be completely different, and honestly, that’s probably how it will be. 

Hopefully, some of y’all can get a laugh out of this quick, little post. Every toddler isn’t the same, so take all of this with a grain of salt. I’m just sharing my own experiences, and I don’t mean to make anyone feel some type of way..but if you do..sorry. Not really but if that will make you feel better, there ya go! Feel free to share your own “Terrorist 3’s” stories, I’m always open to hearing from you guys! Make sure to check out Instagram (@RawdogginMotherhood) for some updates in between posts. If I don’t end up making a post about where I’ve been on here, then it will all be on Instagram, so make sure to take a little gander! With all that being said, thank you guys again for reading and sticking around while I try to figure this whole thing out! 

-Zadi 

<3

Hey everyone! I know that I haven’t been super consistent yet, I’m so sorry! I’m not going to make any promises, because I don’t want to break them...This does lead me to this week's post though. 

High Expectations.

I was on Peanut tonight, talking to a bunch of moms about everything revolving around Motherhood. One of the things that stood out to me is the high expectations and pressures that we feel when becoming a mother. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can’t speak for myself so that’s what I will be doing.

Since becoming a mom I have felt so much weight on my shoulders. Especially since having my son months ago, things have been difficult. I want to preface this by saying I adore my children, and my boyfriend so don’t get it twisted! 

Everything weighs on me, making sure the children are happy, healthy, and taken care of, making sure that my boyfriend has food and his clothes cleaned, taking care of the dog, and the cat, and taking care of all of the housework. I will say that I will give credit where it’s due, my boyfriend does help me with certain things in the house every couple of days. I am grateful that I do have the help that I do, I don’t take it for granted and I do acknowledge that many people have it harder than me. But I also want to say that just because I’m not a single mom, and I do have people in my life that can watch the kids every so often, doesn’t mean that I don’t get overwhelmed or stressed the fuck out and need a break and/or help! 

Somehow on top of all of that, I need to make time for myself. I have realized that there’s no way I can take care of everybody else unless I take care of myself first and make sure that I have all of my needs met. With that being said, that is almost impossible! At least for me, where I’m at right now. I have all of these passions and goals that I would love to accomplish! I want to take care of my physical body and also my internal self. I have a lot of work that I need to do for myself and on myself, but if I don’t have the time or space to do so it won’t get done. And everybody will feel the wrath because I am not my best unless I can take care of myself.

I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with tackling all of these different roles that we have to play. I can say having two kids instead of one makes everything about 15 times harder. I don’t regret having my children young, I don’t regret having children at all! I am happy with the life that I have, and I don’t want anybody to get that mixed up. Just because I’m grateful, content, and happy with life and the people that I have in it, doesn’t mean that I can’t have stressful moments, hard days, or even hard weeks or months! Being a mother, or even just a parent in general, maybe even taking it a step further and just saying a human being is so hard! 

There are so many expectations that are in place in society for every single person. Whether it be because you are a mother, father, a woman, a man, black, white, or a student in college, it doesn’t matter! Every single person has certain expectations that society wants to put on them. We see it in social media, we hear it from our family members, friends, coworkers, or even strangers. It gets hard to deal with, keep up with, or strive for. I know for me I see so many moms on social media who have the "perfect life". I do strive for that, and I have continued to work as hard as I can to achieve that. But I had to come to terms with the fact that it’s just never going to be my life, or at least not anytime soon. I’m never going to have a perfectly spotless house, 100% well-behaved children, a white picket fence, etc. Sure I can have a decently clean house, I can maybe organize my house and even get a better place to live, be in a great neighborhood, and have well-mannered children. But my life will never be perfect, and that is OK!

Life isn’t meant to be perfect, because if it was everything would be boring, and nobody would learn and grow. Yes, my life is chaotic, I have so much to learn, I have so much to do and I have a whole life ahead of me. All I can say is I’m doing my best! That is all that I can do, every single day. I said this before but I’ll say it again, some days are amazing and I get most of the house picked up and cleaned everything looks nice, I made three amazing meals, and I even got to do a couple of crafts with my daughter. Other days were the opposite: all I did was feed the kids and change their diapers, and we just chilled out the rest of the day. Most days are somewhere in between that, but that is fine! I can only do as much as I can mentally handle every single day. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and I will stand by that. It’s not just dealing with tantrums and feeding kids and cleaning the house. There is so much more that goes into it, there are emotional aspects, physical aspects, mental, and even spiritual! 

Like I said before I have to hold everything down, from taking care of the kids and my boyfriend to the house and keeping myself in check and taken care of. This is not an easy job, and adding on extra expectations from other people and outside influences will only make it worse! I don’t need to get on Instagram after a super long day of being stressed out and overstimulated, to see a mom with her baby having the most perfect day. It’s super discouraging and makes me feel like I’m a failure of a parent because I didn’t get to do any of those things that they did. Everyone is different, every household is different, every child is different and every day is different! You are capable of anything that you put your mind to, I’m not going to sit here and say that it’s impossible to deal with everything that’s put on our shoulders because it’s not. But the question is, is it healthy to be doing anything and everything you possibly can every day? Wouldn’t it be better to break it up into days, weeks, or even months? Just because you are a parent, does not mean that you have to stretch yourself so thin that you are at a breaking point by the middle of the day. Life can be so beautiful, if you just give yourself a little bit of a break, and be patient with yourself, all of that compassion that you have for others can also go towards yourself. 

Be gentle with yourself.

Stay positive.

You got this. 

We’ve got this. 

I want to thank all of you for reading this week‘s blog post! I hope it resonated with a lot of you, I know that I needed to hear this even though I’m the one who wrote it. I’ve noticed that most of the time whenever I write a blog post, it’s usually something that I also need to hear as well. So I love using this platform as a way to get my thoughts out to myself. As always I want all of you to check out my Instagram (@RawdogginMotherhood) and YouTube (SmileZadi) if you have the time. I will hopefully be more consistent here soon, but as I said earlier I’m not going to make any promises because I don’t want to let anybody down. I hope you all have an amazing rest of the week, try to be patient and loving with yourself, because you deserve it, hopefully, I will be talking to you guys soon! 

 Hey everyone! I’m so sorry I’ve been super inconsistent with the posts. I am still trying to get into a routine with everything. Hopefully, you guys can forgive me, and understand! I will say I am super excited for you guys to read this week’s post. And I hope to get into a decent routine soon!

Losing yourself.

I’m not gonna speak for every mother out there, because I know there are a handful of women that actually can better identify themselves after becoming a mother. But, I know for me and a few people I know, we felt very disconnected from ourselves after having children. 

Once I had my daughter I felt like the only thing that other people saw was a young mom, when I was much more than just a mom. I was young, yes and I just happened to have a kid, but that wasn’t my entire identity. What everybody else started to see me as then became my reality. I can’t tell you how many times I would meet somebody new, or start a new job and somebody would ask me to tell them about myself, and the only thing that I could get out was “Oh well I’m 18 years old and I have a one-year-old daughter”. It truly did become my only personality trait.

Fast forward to now, and I just went to a job interview about a month ago and said the same thing, but instead of 18 I’m 20, and now I have 2 kids. Being a mama blinds you from seeing anything else you are/do other than being a mom. 

One thing that has changed is I’ve been looking within a lot recently. I can now say that I enjoy music, including making it! I want to make a difference in this world in whatever way that I can think of. I want to follow my passions and make something of myself, especially now being a mom because I wanna show my children that they can do anything they put their minds to. 

I also really enjoy cooking and trying new recipes. Writing for social media, reading (I love self-help books with a passion), learning to do new things, hiking, and going to the gym (I finally bought my membership and I get to go for the first time today!!), I also LOVE makeup, fashion, and doing my nails! Within the last few months, I’ve been tapping into my spirituality, so I’ve been learning a lot about astrology, manifestation, chakras, meditation, and everything in between. It’s become a new journey for me to go on and so far it’s been amazing, and I’ve discovered/uncovered a lot about myself. 

Being a mother comes with A LOT of challenges, and I mean a lot. I know for me though, losing myself and feeling like I didn’t know who I was, or trying to hold on to the past versions of myself that I no longer aligned with, was probably one of the worst. I can say now that once I was able to start identifying myself again and prioritize myself, I’ve seen a bunch of positive changes with the way I parent, and just live life in general. 

Now knowing what I enjoy, I can find ways to incorporate them with my kids. Unity loves getting her nails, hair, and makeup done, but she also enjoys going outside and going for a walk. She enjoys dancing and singing (she’s also very good!), always wants to help me in the kitchen, and loves a good book! She even loves yoga, she’s always reminding me to do it if I haven’t because she finds it so entertaining and wants to join in! 

So yes (for me & a lot of parents) having children does complicate how you identify yourself. Some days are easier than others to feel like yourself. As you begin to recognize yourself again and feel at home within yourself, you’ll be able to show your children to do the same. Not saying that they have to enjoy the same things as you, but you can show them that it’s important to prioritize yourself. Even if they start to feel disconnected from themselves, you can show them how to start grounding themselves back to their core energies. Maybe I’m getting a little too tapped into my spirituality for some of you, so I’ll just leave it with that!

I want to thank you all for being so patient with me these last few months. I know I haven’t been the most consistent, I’m still trying to get on the schedule not only with posting but also with life in general! So as I always say, please bear with me, I do enjoy writing and sharing with you all! I encourage all of you to pick up a new hobby, revisit an old one, and/or just take a moment to connect with yourself and try your best to feel at home within your body, especially if you haven’t in a while, whether you include your kids or not!

Have a great day!

Zadi <3

P.S. If you do happen to be into astrology at all or happen to be on a spiritual journey, HAPPY LIONS GATE!!  

Hey guys, sorry I didn’t have a post out on Monday like I usually do. It was a pretty difficult weekend for me, and the last thing on my mind was making a blog post. I could sit here and make up a bunch of excuses, which would be true but I just don’t feel like I need to do that. I was going to just completely ignore the fact that I didn’t post and start next week off as per usual, but I think this could be a good topic to talk about.

Grief.

This past weekend, on Sunday, was the 10th anniversary of my great-grandmother‘s death. I was not expecting it to affect me the way that it did, but like I said this weekend was pretty tough for me.

Just a quick backstory so you guys can understand and get to know me a bit. 

I was raised by my great-grandparents. They took me in when I was about two years old; all I ever really knew was living with them. My mom was still in my life, and she still is to this day. But some things happened, and she was no longer able to take care of me. So for the next eight years of my life, I was raised by my great-grandma and my great-grandpa. My Mamaw became a mother to me. She was probably one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life, and I don’t think that will ever change. She could do it all! She was an amazing cook, mother, wife, hairstylist, gardener, seamstress, etc. She was just an amazing woman, so when we lost her in 2012 my entire world flipped upside down.

I vividly remember walking into my Aunt Teresa‘s house with my mom. To see my aunt and my grandpa both just so sad, my aunt was crying hysterically while my grandpa just looked numb with tears in his eyes. As soon as I walked in, I said: "what is going on". My grandpa looked at me and told me to sit on his lap, but I refused and asked again "What is going on". And he simply said, "Mamaw died". As soon as I heard those words, my entire brain just shut down and I fell to the ground. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. My life has never been the same since, and it never will. A part of me died that day, as well as one of my 2nd mothers. 

At her funeral and the church service that we had, I remember thinking to myself, "I need to be strong for everybody else". I was 10 years old. From that day on I didn’t want to show any sort of negative emotion at all towards her passing. I felt like I couldn’t be vulnerable, I felt like I couldn’t show the sadness and pain that I was truly feeling.

For the next five years, I turned into this complete monster. It started very slow, I just started to be a little bitchy, which would be normal for a 10 / 11-year-old, but I went to a private Catholic school so it wasn’t tolerated. Then when I hit eighth grade I decided to move schools and start going to a public school. I stopped going to church, I started dressing in what some would call "emo", and I was also super suicidal and depressed. I eventually started to try to numb my pain with over-the-counter drugs like Benadryl and cough syrup. 

Things were not looking great for me… I became a very hateful and negative person. I would lash out and yell at my grandpa over the dumbest things, and I would say the most hateful and nasty things I could think of. It’s almost like I was possessed or something because that’s not who I am and it was super out of character. Even to this day, I’m super embarrassed for the way that I acted within those five years. 

From ages 15 to 19 I just didn’t think about it as much. It wasn’t a huge thing on my mind all the time anymore, I just tried to push it aside and act like it was no big deal. Every once in a while something would be said, or something would happen that would remind me of her and I was just completely numb to it.

Fast forward five years later to today, and I’m doing better. I’m not numb to the situation anymore, or at least not as much as I was. I’m letting myself feel, but I’m not lashing out in anger. I’m letting myself cry, and I’m learning to cope in healthier ways. Like I said I am super embarrassed about my past, but I can’t change the past I can just do better now and I know that now. 

Grief is one of those things that a lot of people don’t tend to talk about. It’s a touchy subject, and it’s hard to talk about because everybody handles grief differently. I found that out the day that my Mamaw passed away. My mom found out and just walked outside and smoked a cigarette. Where my reaction was to fall to the floor and bawl my eyes out. Everybody handles grief in different ways, and it seems as if I handled mine in multiple different ways. I started by letting all of my emotions out, then I went numb and tried to be strong for everybody else, and then I lashed out in anger towards everybody that I love, while also trying to numb the pain with substances, then I went numb again for about five years, now here I am finally beginning to process all of my emotions and healthily deal with them. Everybody has their way of dealing with things, especially grief, and it’s OK and it’s normal! There is nothing wrong with how you handle it, everyone has their path. It’s OK to swerve off of the right path for a bit, it’s quite normal, as long as you get back on the right path for you in the end. Hopefully, that made sense, if it did you can also apply that to any other walks in life, not just grieving.

I say all of this just to maybe help somebody else in this situation. I’m no expert when it comes to grief, I just know that I’ve had a hell of a time dealing with this particular situation. It truly has taken me 10 years just to get to the point where I’m doing okay. I’m not too sure why I feel the urge to post this, but I do. I just want people to know that they are not alone. I was thinking to myself, I shouldn’t post about this because it has nothing to do with motherhood. But I think that it does, I lost one of my motherly figures, and that comes with adulthood which is also motherhood. Maybe that doesn’t make too much sense, but it does in my head right now, so bear with me.

Thank you all for reading this week‘s post. I apologize if it brought up any negative emotions, I just felt the need to post this. So hopefully this helps someone! I will be back next week with some more positive words.

Zadi

<3

Hey hey, guys! I wasn’t too sure what to write about this week, so as per usual I’m going to just be writing about something that has meaning to me. Something that I am also embarking on a journey with. Enjoy!

Body image. 

Body image is something that I have been dealing with for what seems like forever. My earliest memory of feeling negative about my body must be around 11 years old. I was at the pediatrician when they weighed me and verbally told me that I was overweight. They were going off of the BMI chart, I was probably around 5 feet tall and maybe 120 pounds. I was in five different sports at the time, I didn’t have any issues with eating healthy or eating too much. I was just a fit kid, and when I heard the doctor, whom I had been going to since I was little, tell me that I was overweight it struck a chord. To make matters worse my grandpa made a simple joke that I should cut back on the ice cream, and it didn’t feel great. I didn’t realize at the time that it bothered me so much, but subconsciously I started caring about what I looked like and how others saw me.

Well, I stopped playing sports around 12, and ever since then, it’s been difficult to keep up with exercising regularly. Just eating healthy doesn’t do shit if you don’t work out a bit on top of it. So my dumb 15-year-old brain told me I needed to starve myself. I had just gotten into my first real relationship, which just so happens to be the one that I’m in currently, and he was skinnier than me. So I felt this obligation to lose so much weight that he could pick me up with no problem. Also, let’s go on record that he could still pick me up, and I was at my heaviest weight which wasn’t even bad now looking back. Long story short I lost about 50 pounds within five months and it did work for me but it was no way to live. Even then I thought that I didn’t lose enough weight, and by the end of it I was a few weeks pregnant with my daughter, I knew I was and I still couldn’t force myself to eat. So that then became a huge issue that I had to fix quickly.

What I’ve noticed throughout my life, is no matter what I look I always look fat in my eyes. I’m super nitpicky about whether my clothes sit on my body right and if people are going to see this roll or if my stomach pokes out in this outfit, etc. I’ve been trying for the past three years to learn how to love myself in every way, but it’s still so hard, especially when you are suffering from an eating disorder. I have never loved my body, and that is super sad to say because my body has done so much for me! I am going to look back at today in a year or more and say to myself, "Wow I have no idea why I was so hard on myself I don’t even look bad". Just like I have done throughout the years already it’s a repeating cycle where in the present moment I hate my body and the way that I look, and then a year later I'm finally comfortable with myself, but then I no longer look like that person. 

A never-ending cycle.

How has my body image changed since having kids? 

I’ve always had stretch marks since I hit puberty. I was "blessed" with some bigger boobs, they never were very perky. So even before kids, I thought I looked bad, but since having kids all of that has just increased which then makes me question the way that I look. So I have way more stretch marks now after having my son, than I did with my daughter. They are all over my stomach, they are on my vagina even and some on my armpit. That has definitely been a lot for me to take in, just because the stretch marks that I got with my daughter weren’t bad at all and have started to fade, but it hasn't even been three months so I need to give my body time of course. 

**PSA**Also let me add real quick, I have no problem with stretch marks on anybody else. I have no problem with anything that I complain about on my body or anybody else! It makes no sense, and I wish I could be as kind to myself as I am to others but this is just my life.

My boobs are now hanging low, my nipples point down to the ground, they’re huge and they’re super dark. Yes I am breastfeeding, and that is completely normal I get it but that doesn’t mean that I like it. I pee every time I laugh, sneeze, or cough, and I haven’t even tried to jump on the trampoline yet because I’m pretty sure I would piss my pants off completely. I will say it’s gotten better since I gave birth, but it still happens and it’s just annoying. I could go on and on about the things that I hate about my body, but there are only a few things that have changed since having kids that I wasn’t already experiencing somehow before that.

Trying to spin this more positively, I think since giving birth for the most part, it’s been easier for me to be more positive with myself about my body and the way that I look. Definitely for obvious reasons like my body created two human beings, and that’s a huge deal! I am also feeding my son right now as we speak, and that is just the most amazing thing ever! I am trying my best to stay positive when it comes to talking about my body, looking at myself in the mirror, etc. It’s still not the easiest, but we are making progress! Just like anything else in life that you’re trying to improve whether that be your mental health, physical health, lifestyle changes, or body image, it’s going to take time and it’s going to be a journey. It’s not going to be smooth sailing all the way there, and I am not sure if there’s an ending point because I think as we age our bodies change and they continue to change so it’s an ongoing process of choosing to love yourself throughout it all. It’s easier said than done so don’t let anybody invalidate your feelings when it comes to your body. Whether you're skinny or have a little cushion for the pushing, maybe you’re super muscular. Whatever you look like is amazing and you not only need to accept and love that but embrace it and celebrate it! Our bodies are so fucking amazing, they do so much for us that we don’t even realize, it's because they're normal things that our bodies are supposed to do, but I guarantee if your body stopped working in a certain area you would then wish that you would’ve appreciated it while you had it. Now I feel like I’m just going on a huge rant so I’m gonna stop myself! 

Thank you all for reading this week‘s post. I hope some of you can relate, just so you don’t feel alone! This is a touchy subject for many people, so I apologize if this made anybody feel negatively. These things are normal, I would love to normalize struggling with body image, especially within motherhood because it is super hard and I don’t feel like too many people talk about it. I don’t think enough people show what real postpartum bodies look like without a mommy makeover! we have a long way to go as a society, so all we can do is work on ourselves and also teach our children to love themselves. Maybe in a couple of decades, we will have less self-hatred! Alright, I’m done now! 

Thank you all for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your week! Make sure to go check out the new song that I posted on my YouTube channel - Zadi Ashbrook, for Ozzy‘s birthday, it was my first shot at doing country so it’s something new but I think it turned out great! Also, make sure to go follow me on Instagram @rawdogginmotherhood and lastly check out the podcast that I have with my boyfriend! - The Family Disappointment Podcast on Spotify + YT!

Zadi 

<3

Heyyy! This week I’ve decided to talk about the difficulties of making friends after having children. Maybe you’ve experienced this and maybe not (good on you!), but I’ve spoken to many women and they’ve also dealt with some of the same frustrations.

Since I first got pregnant with Unity, 4 years ago, my social life has declined dramatically. Before I got pregnant I was hanging out with multiple people daily. There was never a moment that I was alone, ever! Then I got pregnant, and people started dropping like flies. Some because I had a “bad reputation” since I got pregnant at 16. Others because they couldn’t party with me anymore and that’s all they were interested in, and some simply because I was fed up with immature bullshit and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. So by the time I had Unity, I had maybe 2 friends, and even then, I never saw them and we barely talked. 

As she grew I started spending more time with my old friends, but it was different. I had all these new responsibilities, I was a mother and I had grown in every way possible and they were all still the same people, doing all the same things. 

Long story short that didn’t end well because I couldn’t figure out a good balance between having friends and being a mom and it just wasn’t great, so I put a stop to that. 

I then went into “hiding” and I didn’t talk to ANY of my old friends at all. I was such a loner, for at least 1.5 years. I was so closed off to society that I forgot most social skills, and I became anxious when I even thought about trying to make a new friend or even reconnect with some old ones. Well, I did eventually try to rekindle a relationship with some of my old friends. Some worked out and we still talk, while some ended negatively. But the thought of putting myself out there and trying to find new friends, specifically mom friends near me was so nerve-racking, that I just couldn’t do it. 

Fast forward to today, I’m still super anxious about putting myself out there and meeting new people. But somehow I have, with the help of social media and some of my boyfriend's friends. I’m now beginning to open up a bit and trying to make connections. I’ve also reconnected with a couple of friends from my past, and they’ve also grown and matured now so it’s not a toxic relationship anymore. It’s actually the opposite, they’ve all been very helpful and encouraging. I just hope it continues this way because it feels nice to have people from my past around, who’ve watched me grow and can see all the work I’ve put in. 

I’m not sure if it’ll ever get easier to make friends as a mom, and that’s alright. I’ve realized that I don’t need 30+ friends who text and call me every day. I don’t need to have plans every weekend. I’m content with doing a couple of things a month with or without the kids and just enjoying the company I do get. I enjoy having a conversation or two a day with some friends and that’s all I need. I like it this way because I can recharge my social battery. I used to be the exact definition of an extrovert, I’m not an extroverted introvert, and THATS OKAY! I enjoy spending time with my family and I also enjoy spending time with friends but you know what I love so much more now than I ever did before. BEING ALONE!!! I never get to be by myself anymore anyway so I cherish those moments! 

I guess I say all this to say, it’s okay to grow and change, especially after having kids. Maybe you’re the opposite and now that you’re a mom you’re more social, awesome! Maybe you’re like me and enjoy both, or maybe you just wanna spend your free time with yourself, that’s great too! If socializing is hard just give yourself a break and enjoy what you can handle right now. Try texting someone you wanna reconnect with, find some internet friends (I use the mom app peanut), and if you’re feeling up to it take the kids out and spark up a conversation with someone at a park or something. Maybe you won’t find your best friend that’ll last the rest of your life, but being social is important so give it a try if you haven’t in a while! I believe in you!! 

Thank you all for reading, I hope you can take something from this. If not that’s alright too I’m still glad you’re here! Don’t forget I post throughout the week on Instagram (@rawdogginmotherhood) and YouTube on Fridays (Zadi Ashbrook). I'm not sure if I’ve mentioned it or not on here but I’m planning on starting up a podcast here soon, and I also already have a podcast with my boyfriend. If you’re interested in a (PG-13) comedy podcast go check it out on Spotify or YouTube (The Family Disappointment Podcast). We’re also on Instagram (@thefamilydisappointmetpodcast). Alright, I’m done promoting myself, thank you again for reading and joining me on this crazy journey of motherhood, keep rawdoggin’ it! 

Zadi 

<3

Hey, y’all! I know that I am at least two weeks late to posting as I’m writing this. I’m sorry, I want to be as consistent as possible but life has been kind of getting in the way the last couple of weeks… And that’s exactly what I want to talk about today. 

So one of the things that have been on my mind recently is how shitty I think I am doing at this whole Mom thing. And yes I know I need to be nicer to myself and blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all I’ve said it all I get it. But the reality of how I’ve been feeling recently is I just suck at this whole thing. Whether that be because I yelled too much or I didn’t cook dinner and we ordered pizza because my house isn’t clean and the dishes are piling up and I have laundry to do, or because I don’t spend enough time with my daughter because my every second I am tending to my son. All of these things plus so much more it’s just stressing me out to the max and I hate it. I know just like I told everybody else, that I’m doing my best every single day and my best looks different every single day. But everything is easier said than done so I can preach these things all day to other women and I truly do mean them, but as soon as it comes to me I am my own worst critic. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again I have such high, unrealistic, and unhealthy expectations for myself and it’s starting to take a toll on my mental health. I’m not gonna go as far as to say that I have postpartum depression or anything like that, but that has also been on my mind. I’m just saying that my mental health isn’t in the best state at the moment. I’m just feeling a little down, and that might also have something to do with the fact that for the past 2 1/2 weeks I’ve been sick. I’ve had the shits for literally over two weeks and that makes it super hard to pretty much do anything except sit on my ass because I just keep shitting myself. I know that’s totally TMI but it’s the truth and that’s why I haven’t been doing as much as I would like. Also, I’ve been pretty nauseous and then I got hit with a respiratory infection type of thing and that was horrible and then everybody else got it so I had to take care of everybody else. And then I did something to my leg the other day and I still am not sure what it was, but now I’m having some issues walking because it hurts so bad… So I took some Tylenol and immediately had to throw up and shit. So needless to say the last couple of weeks have been pretty shitty ha ha ha, pun intended. So where I was getting at with all of that shitty information, is because I haven’t been feeling the best physically not only affected my mental health but also my home. And since my home doesn’t look the way that I want it to cleanliness-wise and just in general, I get in my head and I start feeling like a failure because I don’t feel like I am giving my kids what they deserve which is the cleanest house possible. No, realistically I know that I’m never going to have the cleanest house possible because I have kids and I have a boyfriend… So it will never be 100% clean. In my head, though I feel as if it needs to and that’s what I’m always striving to get. So all of that has contributed to my mental health not being in the best state possible, but I know that it could be worse and so I’m grateful that I can still find a little bit of positivity throughout the day.

One good thing that I have noticed in the past couple of weeks since the last time I posted, is I am being more present with my kids! I’m super proud of myself because I finally got to this point where it’s noticeable that I am more present than I was prior. And since I’ve been more present, I’m noticing the tiny things that I would’ve just overlooked or just paid no mind to which just makes me sad. From things like my son looking at me with the biggest smile on his face and just being the happiest baby ever, and him showing that I am his favorite person to be around and it’s just so cute and I love it so much I don’t even know how to put in the words how much I needed to see that and feel that. Also having really cute and in-depth imaginative conversations with my daughter! She is so smart and sometimes she’s too smart for her own good but wow is she intelligent! And I’ve known this but being present and having conversations with her and paying attention to the things that she says 100% brings so much joy to my heart, and even a few tears to my eyes because she is growing up so fast. So that’s one of the reasons why I feel I need to be as mindful as possible with both of them because the time is just going by so quickly and I need to soak in every moment that I can. I’m also taking the time to look outside and see the clouds and the sunrise and the sunset, listen to the birds chirp and the dogs bark… It’s beautiful to just be one with nature sometimes and just soak it all in because I need that to ground myself and finally being able to take that time to be present in time with nature, with myself feels great! 

I have also recently noticed that I put way too much pressure on myself to have things done a certain way in a certain amount of time and when it’s not done in the way that I wanted to or in the amount of time that I thought it would take I get upset with myself. I’ve also noticed that I don’t let myself have fun and enjoy the now. Some days I get to have more fun than usual but that’s only if I consciously make an effort to do so. I have an internal battle between going and enjoying a day just goofing off with my family or staying home while they all go have fun and I stay home cleaning the house by myself stressing out about everything else that needs to be done. So I’m going to try to make a conscious effort to have more fun this week next week and so forth because I deserve it. Also, it’s another way to stay present with my family and make memories!

I’m pretty sure there was a lot more that I was wanting to say to you guys but I can’t think of it right now, maybe because it’s four in the morning but who knows… I do wanna get more consistent, or at least just back on track with what I was doing before. I just want to get into a better routine with the kids and life in general so I’m not saying that I’m taking a break or anything but things might not be on schedule I guess is what I’m trying to say. Bear with me, I’m doing my best just like I said so hopefully you'll stick around for the journey! Thank you so much for reading and following along! 

- Zadi

<3

Hey, also I am writing this at the time that this needs to be uploaded… Oops. So we’re just gonna do a quick little post today. And I wanted to talk about how having my son recently and also raising a toddler has affected my relationship with my boyfriend. 

Since having my daughter 3 years ago, my relationship has gone through a lot of ups and downs. We’ve had some issues we’ve had some great times, it just depended on how we were both doing mentally. But fast forward to a year ago when I found out I was pregnant with my son, we were in a pretty rocky part of our relationship at that time but we did plan to have our sign. Maybe because we thought it would help our relationship, maybe because we just wanted another kid I’m not too sure anymore. What I will say though is for a lot of people having another child does not help the relationship at all, and it makes it worse. What I can say for us is I’m not sure if having another kid is the real reason why the relationship is doing better, but I think that it did contribute. Once I found out that I was pregnant with my son, my mental health kind of went downhill for about a month, and then after that, it just continued to get better and better and better and it continues to get better and we are one month postpartum. So as my mental health gets better and I continue to work on myself I became more open to hearing criticism humbling myself and being able to acknowledge what I did wrong and apologize for it. Our relationship has gotten better, and we have continuously been working on our communication with each other, pretty slowly but still, we are working in the right direction. No don’t get it twisted, this hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows the entire past 10 months. I know at one point it got so bad that I was thinking about moving in with my mom and just leaving our home completely. Obviously, that didn’t happen and we are still living together and everything is fine now, but it was rocky in the beginning. There was a lot of fighting and cussing and screaming and picked up anger and all sorts of shit that is no Dan? But we still argue over stupid petty shit every once in a while. In my every once in a while is about one or two times a week, for you, it might be a couple of times a month or even a couple of times a year. But we went from fighting multiple times a day to fighting a couple of times a week to sometimes not even fighting for an entire week and that is just amazing! 

I will say one of the biggest arguments that we do have more recently is all about who does what, and how much work the other person is doing. I’m not sure if that makes too much sense so let me break it down. He’ll get upset with me because he goes to work and he has a manual labor job so he’s working anywhere from 5 to 10 hours a day doing manual labor all day long. And then he comes home and I’m asking him to help with the kids or with a couple of chores, but all he wants to do is get on his game and play whatever video game he wants to play that day. But he gets upset because he doesn’t think that I appreciate the things he does. Now here I am but I’m getting upset because I’ve been dealing with a screaming toddler who has tantrums almost all day long and it’s testing my patients all day, while also breastfeeding and taking care of a newborn, while also trying to cook and clean all day long. So my job isn’t as physically demanding as he is, but it is more emotionally demanding. And then I get upset because I wanna break, or I won’t help with the cleaning because it’s hard for me to do it while also dealing with your kids you know. and so then I get upset because I’ll ask him to take out trash and it won’t get done for three days or more, or ask him to help me with some dishes and those dishes don’t get done until the weekend. So it’s just stuff like that and there is a way to compromise the entire situation, but we were in the moment where it just doesn’t even happen we are so upset because the other person isn’t listening and we don’t feel heard. So really what it comes down to is just like I said before it’s a communication thing and we’re working on that like I said slowly but we’re working in the right direction so hopefully within the next couple of months will get in the hang of stuff and will both be able to be content and will find a way to compromise. I want to share a little insight on the arguments that we have been having because this is normal, especially for new parents, parents who just welcomed to new baby into the family, or even couples that are having career transitions, we are now there is a stay at home parent and a working. And the difficulties that come with that, and the arguments. So it is a little difficult to deal with but it’s completely normal and is going to shed light on that, but also don’t get used to it, there’s always room for improvement on both sides so keep your mind open to that.

I hope that somehow you guys can relate to this or took something away from that or maybe it was just a little entertaining to read. I’m not too sure, I know I should be more confident in my writing but if I’m being honest I didn’t put a lot of time into this, I just put a couple of minutes into this and I think it turned out all right for what it is. Make sure to check out this week‘s Vlog! It’s gonna be part two of my one-month postpartum video. Also like I said last week make sure to check out my Rawdoggin motherhood Instagram where I post more updates and pictures and some videos. And with that being said I will talk to you guys next week! 

PSA!! If any of you would like to be involved in one of the upcoming blog posts please feel free to contact me! I want to get back into writing about things other than my own life, and get some other mamas involved!

Hello hello, ladies! This week, I will be you talking about my daughter growing up… And how I really feel about that. Hopefully, some of you can relate and I'm not crazy.

On May 15th my daughter is turning three! I am so excited to see her have a bunch of fun with her Gabby Dollhouse birthday-themed party on Sunday and also her other birthday party this upcoming Saturday! But I will say with that excitement comes a lot of other emotions. 

I am so grateful to be able to watch her grow into this amazingly beautiful little girl! And be able to make so many more memories with her. She is finally at the age where we can start learning together and I’m able to teach her a bunch of things. We’re starting homeschooling this summer and I’m super super excited about that! I have all these plans to go on little trips around our little city and be able to go on hikes and walks and enjoy nature this summer. We are learning our alphabet and how to write, and she’s even helping me take care of her little brother! These milestones and moments are so important for me to be present for, and I’m doing my best to do so.

Along with the excitement and how grateful I am for all of these moments, I’m also feeling a little bit of sadness. And I would almost say a small bit of grief? I’m not too sure if that’s the right word to be using, but I feel like I am grieving her baby years. Like I said it’s super important for me to be as present as I can for these moments with my kids because the time flies so fast! I wasn’t as present as I feel like I should’ve been for the first year to year and a half of her life and now the only memories that I have to go off of are pictures and videos that I have taken, and I’m so glad that I took so many, but I still wish I would’ve been more present for certain moments. For example, I missed her first steps because I was at work, thankfully I have a video of that as well but still, I wish I could’ve been there. So there’s a lot of guilt and I guess I would say grief that comes with her growing up because it does seem to be going by so quickly and I’m never going to get those moments back. I get it that’s how life is and this is what happens I just need to get used to it but it’s still hard to truly comprehend and wrap my head around. I know all I can do is continue to better myself and try more and more every day to be better for my kids but it’s still a challenge. A challenge I will continue to take on daily, until the day I die!

To keep it completely real, with her getting older the more difficult it is for me to parent her. It’s no longer just dirty diapers, giving her a bottle, and rocking her to sleep. It’s now all of those things combined with dealing with a toddler that is trying to find her independence yet is also still so dependent on me. Dealing with potty training and her attitude every single day along with intense tantrums. So now I just have to work on my patience as well as try to be mindful as I possibly can at the same time. I am learning to keep my stress down so I don’t react as much and I can just respond, and teach her by example instead of just with my words. Going along with that she repeats every single thing that everybody says, and where that can be great to help her learn, it also comes back to bite me in the ass because I don’t censor myself… but that’s an entirely different conversation. 

Having my son recently, I realize how big she has gotten over the past three years, and my mind is just blown! Before he was here she was still just a baby in my mind, and now it has come to my attention that she is half the size of my body. She is so big, tall, and strong, and continues to grow and change every day. Like I said we have our bad days, but that’s OK because things happen, and it's normal. I'm just trying to enjoy any and every moment I can when I get the chance. One thing I will say is every day that I get to spend with her and my son I will cherish for the rest of my life. 

I know that this was a pretty sappy post, but hey my baby girl is growin' like a weed! I honestly doubt that most parents especially moms don't feel similar feelings because this is what motherhood looks like I believe, at least for me anyway. But I hope you guys enjoyed reading my thoughts on my little girl getting older. I will definitely be sharing some pictures & videos of her on here as well as on my Instagram and I’ve also planned on recording parts of her parties for the vlog so make sure to check that out as well (on Friday)! Thank you guys for reading and I will talk to y'all next week!

Hello hello everyone! I don’t have too much time at the moment to write a bunch, so I will do my best to give you something to enjoy!

This past month or maybe even the last two months, I have been struggling with patience and empathy with myself. Of course, as a mom, you need a lot of patience every single day just to get through, and I don’t have that either. So knowing that I don’t have the best patience with my daughter and then realizing within the past couple of weeks that I need to have patience with myself as well, is nerve-racking. Just because I know how difficult it is daily to try and develop more and more patience for her, so I know developing patience for myself is going to be even more difficult.

With empathy, I’ve never really had an issue having empathy for others. I would say I’m a very sympathetic and empathetic person with 95% of people that come into my life. So tackling the task of having more empathy for myself doesn’t seem to be difficult to achieve. But during the past week or two, I have realized that it is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. 

I am just so hard on myself, and I have such high expectations for myself as well. Keep in mind I am not even three weeks postpartum as I’m writing this, and I know this but I don’t think that I really can grasp the fact that just because the baby is out doesn't mean that my body is completely back to normal, or my hormones are back to normal, etc. Mentally I’m still doing well, physically I am doing as good as I should be, being almost 3 weeks postpartum. Even knowing that I still feel like I should be cleaning more, my house is too dirty, I should be cooking more three-course dinners, and I should be exercising and trying to get my pre-babies body back. The fact that I feel this way and I’m telling myself these things, but I would never in 1 million years say this to any other mom is so upsetting because half of the moms that I talk to, I don’t even know. But I live with myself every single day, and I’m OK with pushing myself past my limits. 

After having two therapy sessions now, and talking to a few friends and family members. I chose to try to give myself a break this week and I did for the most part. I didn’t overwork myself or anything like that physically. But mentally my mind was just racing, and honestly, I was super anxious for a few days this week which is normal but I just wasn’t expecting it. I have concluded that the reason why am so afraid to just relax it’s because I was so lazy for so long and nothing was getting done around me for most of my life. And once I hit my second trimester with my son, everything changed. I had motivation, I was being as productive as I think I’ve ever been in my entire life and I just didn’t want that to end. My mind is still in that place, and I’m ready to be productive and I’m ready to go go go. But my body is not. So in my head, I’m thinking that if I relax and I don’t do XYNZ then I’m just gonna turn into this lazy person again and do the very bare minimum. I don’t see that happening especially because my mind isn’t in that place anymore, and I’m just in a better place in my life now. But trying to get myself to believe that is difficult.

If any of you are also feeling this way or have in the past, I don’t have too many tips for you but I will share what I have learned so far, and what I have come up with on my own. My therapist's suggestions were to breathe, stretch in safe ways depending on how my body is feeling, and reduce my caffeine intake. When she suggested that I breathe, I just had to laugh because I’ve heard it so many times in my life, but I took it seriously. And later that day after talking to her, I found myself working and thinking in fast forward, so I took the time and just took a couple of deep breaths and it did help. Going along with that one thing that I am trying to do for myself right now, is just stay as present as possible. So even just the simple tip of breathing does help because it brings you back to the present moment. On top of breathing, and just trying to stay as mindful as possible, I am also trying to cut my screen time, specifically my phone usage. I find myself just mindlessly scrolling on social media apps that I don’t even care about just because I can and I’m trying to cut that out. She mentioned cutting out caffeine, which was more for the anxiety that I was feeling this week, I did start drinking energy drinks recently, not too much just one a day but maybe that is a culprit for some of the anxiety that I was feeling so I am now drinking energy drink that doesn’t have any caffeine in it… I don’t know how that works but we’re gonna try it out. One thing that I haven’t started yet, but I will be soon is journaling. I am going to be journaling anything and everything that I have on my mind just so I can get it out and it doesn’t stay in my brain not only will it help with overthinking, and anxiety but also I can just stay present at the moment. As you can tell being present is one of the challenges that I am working through right now, as well as empathy and patience. I think the biggest thing that I can do is to just be as realistic, and logical with myself as possible. My body is just not ready to do any crazy bending and lifting and cleaning right now because I just had a baby less than three weeks ago. Carrying a baby and creating an entire human being for 10 months, is a huge trauma to the body. So expecting my body to be back to normal even just internally, within three weeks is insane! So that’s what I’m going to have to be as realistic with myself as possible and give myself a break whenever I need it. So when I do get up and clean for 30 minutes to an hour, then I need to give myself a break after that because it’s just too much for my body to handle right now. I mean I’m still bleeding… Like I’m not even close to being healed from giving birth. I can say that even being able to sit here and write this out for you guys does help me not only be more realistic with myself but also to have empathy with myself. Just hearing these words coming out of my mouth (because I am using to text right now lol), is helping me see how ridiculous some of these thoughts that I have been having about myself are.

Thank you all for reading my little diary entry, hopefully, if you guys are going through anything similar this makes you feel less alone, or maybe even gave you a couple of tips that you can take with you, and hopefully, they will help you as well. I hope you are well, and I hope you all have a great week. Sending all of the positive vibes everyone’s way! Keep an eye out for this week's Vlog that will be coming up on Friday, nothing too crazy just another postpartum blog but if you want to stay updated on my week then feel free to check that out. I also just uploaded my second-week vlog so you guys can go check that out as well because that one’s already up!

Hello Everyone! I'm so excited to share that my son has made his arrival! So please bear with me for the next few weeks as I get into the swing of things. I'm writing this post the day it's supposed to be posted, so I'm just hoping it's up within the next 24 hours. Fuck any sort of schedule right now lmao!

As some of you may know, I was planning to be induced on April 18 in the morning. Well, my son had different plans. We all woke up on Easter morning, my daughter opened up her Easter basket and we started getting ready to go to my grandpa's for lunch and a little Easter egg hunt. Of course, we were running late because I was never on time anymore, especially while pregnant not happening. We finally got there around 2:30 PM and we did all of our normal things ate, Easter egg hunt, etc. By 4:30 I was opening up a gift from my aunt for the baby, and as I was looking at some cute little clothes. I feel this feeling like a balloon popped into my pants. And I had an immediate "Uh Oh" feeling, and nobody believed me. As soon as I stood up I felt it start trickling down my leg and so I ran to the bathroom needless to say it was my water. From that point on everybody started moving quickly, even though I wasn’t having any sort of contractions at all. People were running to get towels, and my aunt and uncle were trying to shove as much baby stuff in the car as they could. Oh, also literally an hour before we left to go to my grandpa's my boyfriend took everything out of the car that we had for the hospital because I was under the impression that we weren’t gonna need it. Also, my aunt had an entire car full of baby clothes and other items for us so we needed the room. Well of course the day that I wasn’t prepared was the day that he decided he wanted to start the process of his arrival. After everybody frantically ran around, I said goodbye to everybody and we told my daughter what was going on she was super excited and we left for the hospital. 

About 40 minutes after driving, we arrived at the hospital. They checked my cervix just for them to say that I was still about 2 to 3 cm dilated and that was it. But since my water broke they couldn’t send me home this time! They finally admitted us and we just laid around for about six hours. My boyfriend tried to get as much sleep as he could while I was on the phone with my mom, aunt, and daughter. Texting people, watching videos, etc. while also getting poked all the time, and getting my cervix checked almost every hour. The contractions weren't too bad but they were increasing, around 11 or 12 PM they started my Pitocin, and before I started having super bad contractions I wanted to start bouncing on a birthing ball. Well, that lasted for a good 10 minutes until I started leaking all over the place the ball and the floor were soaked everything was soaked. I couldn’t move too fast to get to the bathroom because I had an IV in and I was attached to all the little monitors so it was just not a good time and I was super upset. After that whole ordeal, I just decided to lay back down and relax.

So for about an hour that happened and eventually the contractions got so bad that I decided I needed to get some sort of pain medicine, so they came in and gave me Nubain. They also mentioned that if I wanted to get an epidural, I would have to request it an hour beforehand because that's how long it would take for them to get it approved and get everything going. So when I got the Nubain, I also had them put in a request for an epidural, just to be safe because ya girl did not want to feel childbirth. Once I got the Nubain everything changed, and if I’m being honest it was not for the best. My mom was on the phone, and my boyfriend n was with me which was great but I started having a full-on anxiety attack and dissociating. One of the worst highs ever! It just didn’t feel right, and on top of all that I was also sleep-deprived, so it was just a lot to deal with. After about 30 minutes of having it in my system, I just had enough, and I just started crying to my boyfriend about everything that was on my mind all of the concerns that I had, all of the intrusive thoughts, and just the worries a new mom of two would have. About five minutes into crying to him, and having a full-blown anxiety attack, the lady was ready to give me my epidural. So imagine me laying in the hospital bed covered in nasty fluids, and just got done having a full-blown anxiety attack just for it to be rudely interrupted. Then being asked to sign a consent form saying if I get paralyzed or die or get some really serious infection I am OK with that. So that freaked me out even more of course, and yes I did get an epidural with my daughter but I also wasn’t having a full-blown anxiety attack when that was happening. So she started prepping my back and I was just trying to breathe through all of the anxiety that I had but it was still very evident that I was not doing it amazing. Once she started putting a needle in my back I had to hold in all of my tears, crying for sure because I didn’t wanna mess her up in any way, so that was hard. I was squeezing my boyfriend‘s hand squeezing the pillow trying to breathe, trying to talk to the nurse that was in there it was just a whole thing. After I did get the epidural I started bawling my eyes out but about two minutes later was fine. 

For about an hour or so I was chilling for the most part, but every once in a while I would feel a contraction in my stomach and it hurt so bad! And that confused me because everywhere else was numb. Come to find out I guess I had a hotspot and if you don’t know what that means, basically just the epidural didn’t want to work in that one area. So the lady came back upstairs and gave me another dose of the epidural or something, I think the little button she gave me got disconnected I’m not too sure. All I know is I was pushing that button to try to help my pain go away and it didn’t do a damn thing. So after that whole ordeal, my boyfriend was talking about how tired he was and yadda yadda yadda, when I tell you that I was so upset that those words came out of his mouth I could’ve just ripped his head off. But I did not do that and he slept for a few hours, while I yet again stayed awake anxious and my head talking to people just doing the most while I still could, but then I did end up falling asleep eventually, probably around 5 or 6 AM. I then got woken up around 7:30 or 8 and they checked my cervix and told me that I was 8 cm dilated. So in my head, that means I have about an hour, so I’m going to get ready for some cute pictures and all that jazz right? So I started doing my makeup, I'm singing songs, I’m belting out lyrics through contractions and it did help so there’s a tip for anybody that may want it. I was also on the phone with my daughter, my mom, and my aunt, and we were all just having a good old time. 

After doing my makeup and singing, the nurse came back in and checked my cervix yet again, I was still at 8 cm so I still thought that I had some time. She wanted to speed along the process, or at least try to help it a little bit, so she had me roll over on my left side and I was there for about maybe 10 seconds before I then felt like I was about to have the biggest shit of my life on that bed right there. And a couple of seconds went by of me telling her I’m about to shit on the bed and I need you to do something. She offers to get me a bedpan, and then something clicks in her mind. “Maybe she is about to give birth right now“ So she checked me and needless to say his head was right there and he was ready to go. So I started crying because the pain just continued to get worse and worse. Yes, I could feel it and it hurt a lot but I think the epidural still did something. But anyway my boyfriend walks over to my computer and tells my family that we gotta go as they can hear me in the background crying and screaming. I then get told that I need to wait to push, not to push, not to laugh or cough or sneeze. And my body was naturally pushing him out, no matter if I tried to hold it or anything my body was naturally pushing out this kid and it hurt like hell. Finally, about five minutes later they told me not to push or anything, and they also made me laugh and in between contractions, I was making them laugh and telling jokes so yes I was in pain but it wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t talk in between contractions if that makes sense. But like I said after about five minutes of all of that happening the doctor finally comes in no scrubs on or anything, looks at me and asked how I’m doing I said I’m not great and he said OK yeah I’m gonna go get changed so then another two minutes go by and then here he comes finally ready to do the damn thing. He started having conversations with me about just random things and then asked me if I can feel whenever I’m having a contraction a good three seconds after he said that I started having one it wasn’t a huge deal but as soon as he realized that everyone sprung into action, no one tried to explain a damn thing to me at all and so this all came as a surprise and shock to me. But as soon as my contractions started this doctor shoved his fucking hands into my vagina and start spreading my vagina open, like ripping my vagina I guess I don’t know what happened down there but I know I didn’t get an episiotomy. So he’s doing that the nurses and other doctors are yelling that I need to put my hands behind my legs and that didn’t happen I took one big deep breath and held onto the bed and pushed and I never stopped pushing but I took another deep breath in and his head popped out and then his shoulders popped out and there he was, 30 seconds later.

So yeah, I was in labor but once he was ready to come, he. I held him in Awh, while my boyfriend was telling me how amazing I did and how proud he was of me and it just felt so amazing! And then the next thing I knew I had to pass my placenta, and if I’m being honest it felt so amazing because it wasn’t whatever happened five minutes beforehand, it was gooey and easy to push out and warm so it just felt good coming out… That’s probably really gross but it is what it is. I ended up getting 12 stitches, I was only going to get about eight but he kept saying “Almost done” Also, and also I was explaining to them that with my first birth, I felt all of the stitches going in. And they promised that they would make sure that I was numb and none of that would happen, but there we go with my luck I got a whole eight stitches no problem… But once I hit that ninth stitch I started feeling every fucking thing, it was sharp, it was painful I’m like can you give me some lidocaine and he said “Oh yeah sure I’m almost done“ and so I never got any lidocaine and he just finished up the last couple stitches and I just had to suffer and clench my butt cheeks the entire time. Then my boyfriend finally got to cut the cord. I did make an entire birth plan this time, which I may go through in a YouTube video or something but it wasn’t anything too fancy. I just asked them to delay the cord clamping for just a few minutes and it was about 10 minutes but it had stopped pulsing so my boyfriend cut the cord and he did a really good job this time, last time with her daughter it was a struggle. And then we spent the next hour just holding him and trying to get him to calm down because he was crying up a storm! I also tried to get him to latch, and breastfeed for the first time but that didn’t happen. I don’t know what the issue was, I wasn’t producing any milk at all and it was just a little colostrum but there wasn’t a lot of it so I was discouraged in that area. Also with him not latching immediately when I would try to do it myself without any assistance, I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to breastfeed him and it just threw me for a loop. I can say though that now that’s not even an issue for me, not a concern in my mind or anything so I am super grateful. But Mom’s guilt did start hitting hard once he was born which is kind of upsetting in my opinion but it’s just the reality that I was living at the time. They did eventually weigh him, and he came out 7 pounds and 1.5 ounces, 19 inches! He was about 1 to 1 1/2 pounds bigger than his sister, but they were the same height which is super cute! All the tests they did on him, while we were at the hospital, everyone was 110% healthy and amazing! Oh also along with the epidural not working for me when I needed it to, my right leg stayed numb for about 12 to 14 hours and it was the most annoying thing, I couldn’t move it I couldn’t feel anything, I was shuffling everywhere I went it was just not a good time. And then we got discharged about 28 hours after we showed up the day before when my water broke so it was a super quick stay at the hospital and I loved that! I know that before I gave birth I was manifesting a quick, healthy, and positive birth experience and I did get all of those things but when I said quick birth I did not mean that quick, 30 seconds is insane, but I did that shit! I can say that I am super proud of myself and honestly impressed with how good I did with the whole labor and delivery experience, and also how I’ve been handling things postpartum as well, mentally, emotionally, and physically so wish me luck with the rest of this postpartum journey, with my little terror that’s about to be three, and my one-week-old newborn that keeps me up all night. I am just kidding though, kinda, I love these little munchkins so much and I am so happy that I am where I am right now I couldn’t ask for a better family to have started. 

I will be getting more into the postpartum aspect of everything, probably next week here. I am posting my postpartum week one YouTube video on Friday but I know not everybody wants to watch a video, has time, etc. so I will be also talking about it here, probably more in-depth as well. So if you happen to watch my YouTube videos, and read the blog it will not be verbatim the same thing so it might be worth the read and the watch if you care or want to stay up to date with this whole journey that I am on right now. I wrote all of this by speaking into my phone, so beware of all of the grammar, spelling errors, or whatever I’m trying to say. I am nodding off just a tad as I’m doing this so it’s time for me to go to sleep. I just looked at the clock and it is 4 AM so I need to go to sleep because we need to get up early tomorrow and try to be productive.

So thank you all for reading this week‘s blog post, and thank you for dealing with whatever just came out of my mouth. Like I said, keep an eye out for this week's YouTube video, also go check out last week's YouTube video which was my labor and delivery Vlog so you can put some visuals to the story that you just read! I just want to say I appreciate all of the people who have been visiting and sharing the site, reading all of my posts, watching my videos, and following my Instagram. I appreciate it, you guys don’t even understand! I’m just glad that I can speak my mind and get my thoughts out there and people read it and care so I appreciate all of you guys even if you don’t enjoy what you read it’s just a little passion mine that I am pursuing and I hope that some of the things that I say are helpful for you guys. Now I’m just rambling and I need to stop so good night thank you for reading and wish me luck!

- Zadi <3

Hey, y'all! Not only did I vlog last week where you guys got to see my first week postpartum, but I will also be posting my 2 weeks postpartum vlog this Friday, so keep an eye out! Anywho, in this week's blog post, I just broke down the past week and a half, all the good times and all the difficult times. If you'd like some visuals to go along with the post, please feel free to check out my YouTube channel - Zadi Ashbrook, or just go check out my latest blog post! Enjoy, my *almost* sleep-deprived ass trying to tell the story...good luck!

At the beginning of week one, I was feeling euphoric for the first couple of days. Everything was going so great, no I wasn’t getting as much sleep as I needed, I was sleep-deprived and maybe I was just handling it really well. Mentally I was doing amazing, physically I was getting better, I was definitely in a lot of pain, and emotionally I was doing good! My boyfriend was helping out a lot and that really surprised me, but I was so grateful, and still am!

With that being said, he does go back to work in two days, and I am freaking out. I’ve been anxious about it ever since we came home from the hospital because I knew that once we came home I was only going to have two weeks of help from him 24/7 and after those two weeks were up, I'd be alone with a toddler and a newborn by myself for most of the week, every day! I really really wish that he could be home longer and also get paid for it because that’s the only reason he’s going back so soon, but it is what it is. But I’m gonna do this, I’m going to figure this out, it’s not gonna be easy but I know I am more than capable.

One thing that I’ve noticed so far, ever since the end of my pregnancy and continuing till now at the beginning of my postpartum journey, is I keep pushing myself way too hard! I want to recover as fast as I can, not just because of how uncomfortable I am, but because I want to be able to be more productive, and get shit done around the house. I have super high, unrealistic, and unhealthy expectations for myself and I just need to stop. I’m upset that I can’t take a bath, I can’t clean the house as thoroughly as I want to, I haven’t been cooking as much as I was before, and I can’t start exercising yet. All of these things I just keep telling myself over and over again, that not only do I need to do these things, but these are things that are expected of me by now. Keep in mind as I’m writing this I’m not even two weeks postpartum yet, and I would never say anything like this to any other new mom, or any other person that has just given birth less than two weeks ago. But for whatever reason, I’m just doing the most, and honestly just making myself feel like shit because I’m not doing said things. I will say though that I am working with my therapist on this issue and hopefully, we will get to the bottom of this so then I can heal and stop doing these things.

One thing that I have noticed, especially at the beginning of last week, I am not eating as much as I need to, especially while breastfeeding. We went to my son‘s first appointment at about three days postpartum, I was holding him and I noticed my hands began to shake. My blood sugar was low because I hadn’t eaten anything at all and it was around noon. That hasn’t happened since, but because of that, I've been more aware of my food intake, or lack thereof. I just snack throughout the day, maybe I’ll have a sandwich, or I’ll make an actual dinner, or we will eat out, but for the most part, I'm not eating meals, and when I do they aren't very healthy at all. It’s just not been the best, and I can feel a difference within my body with the diet change. I have been trying to drink as much water and fluids as I can though and that’s not too big of an issue. But trying to get this food thing down, trying to figure out what I wanna eat and what I don’t, and trying to see what would be the healthiest alternative is just a lot to think about. So I don’t know, I just really haven’t been eating as much as I should be. 

Surprisingly enough though, I have a great milk supply. I was super nervous the first day that he was here because I wasn’t producing any milk or colostrum that I could see, and he was latching great from the start so I knew it wasn’t his fault. I got super down on myself about that but less than 24 hours after him being born I started to produce and it was great, it was also a good amount too. Now here we are almost 2 weeks postpartum and I have an oversupply yet again, just like I did with my daughter. This is a good thing, but it also sucks because I think that I have mastitis in my left boob right now. I have tried and tried to pump and massage it out, but it just hurts so bad. After taking some Tylenol now it doesn’t hurt as much as it did last night, so I’m just gonna try to keep getting it out and hope that it doesn’t turn into an infection. All because I went to sleep without pumping two nights ago. That is one thing that I did forget about being a breastfeeding mom, is how time-consuming it is. When he’s not on the boob, then I have to be pumping, and when I’m not doing that then I need to be eating so I can have nutrition and energy so I can feed him and pump again. When I’m not doing all that I’m trying to hang out with my daughter, so it really is just exhausting because it’s an all-day, around-the-clock 24/7 thing that I completely forgot about.

Speaking of my daughter, this has been difficult in the sense of trying to have quality time with my daughter while also doing everything I just listed for my son. For the first week and a half, she didn’t care about me doing anything with him because she was so preoccupied with her dad. One thing that she did say though, was "I don’t wanna share my daddy". That was just so sad, and I felt so bad but we did explain to her that everything was gonna be okay and that she didn't have to worry about not spending time with him. But yesterday while I was at home resting and taking care of our son, my boyfriend took our daughter to his mom's house so she could play, and eventually said that she wanted to stay the night over there with her cousin. He asked me if I was okay with that and, I said sure why not. Well apparently, my daughter said, "Mommy doesn’t want me at home". And when he told me that when he got back, I started to cry because I didn’t want her to feel that way about me at all. I don’t know if I really made her feel that way, or if she was just talking because she has been saying some off-the-wall shit, and things just don’t make sense, or just saying things that she knows will hurt somebody’s feelings for whatever reason, these toddlers are little terrorists, but I digress. All I’m saying is when she said that I didn’t want her home it broke my heart even more and I couldn’t do anything except cry, because I don’t know if I made her feel that way or not, I haven’t said anything like that to her... I’m trying to spend as much time with her as I can, and when I do spend time with her I’m trying to make it quality time. I just hope that as time goes on I can get a better grasp on how to divide my time and energy up between both kids, oh and my patience, once I get some! 

Seeing how big my daughter is compared to our son is insane! Of course, she is still my little girl, and she’s not some huge giant, but before I gave birth she was still this little tiny human being and now after giving birth I see how big she’s gotten over the past three years. She is short for her age I guess, but oh well. Seeing her hold her brother and seeing how much bigger she is than him, blew my mind because she was even smaller than he was when she was born. Thinking about it, and seeing the old pictures just brings tears to my eyes because I cannot believe where all the time has gone and how quickly it all passed. Yes, it does seem like forever ago that she was born and she was so small, but it isn't that long ago I don’t know, it just seems like everything kind of started to fast forward in the past two years and I hate it so much. So now I’m trying to stay as present as I can every single day as often as I can throughout the day. I want to soak in every single moment, I want to document anything and everything that I possibly can. I just want to remember everything from these moments because my babies will never be this young ever again. My daughter is about to be 3 in less than three weeks and I can’t believe it!

As the days go on I am sleeping more and more, he went from sleeping for about an hour at a time and then wanting to eat, to now he lets me sleep anywhere from 3 to 4 even sometimes 5 hours before he wakes up and wants some more boob. So I’m getting as much sleep as I possibly can, and I feel like that’ll help once my boyfriend goes back to work here in a couple of days and I won’t be running on empty.

Going along with that whole thing, I’m trying to figure out some sort of routine that is simple enough that I can get it done every single day. Not trying to make a schedule, because my everyday start time varies every day, some days we wake up at 8 AM, some days we wake up at 10 AM, and some days we wake up at noon. So I never really know when our days gonna start and I hate having a schedule and then messing it up from the very beginning of the day so that I have to re-schedule all the times for everything else and it’s just way too much to be bothered with. 

I did have my first full day alone with our son yesterday, and it went well. Nowhere near as stressed out as I thought I would be with a newborn. But I haven’t had any time by myself with both kids without my boyfriend yet. So that’s going to be interesting, to say the least here in a couple of days. I am still super nervous and anxious about being a mother of two, and all of the things that come with that. Like I said splitting my time and energy up, trying to keep the house clean, still trying to prioritize myself and my needs, making sure that we’re all eating enough, and also eating balanced meals, while also trying to maintain a good relationship with my boyfriend. It’s a lot to think about and a lot to deal with, and you guys are probably thinking "Oh I do that every day it’s not a big deal…" I don’t care the thought of it is stressing me out and I know how I was with one kid so I know that this is just going to be more difficult. But it is what it is, this is the reality that I’m living and I’m so happy that I’m here. I’m so grateful and in love with my little family that we have created and it’s just so amazing I wouldn’t trade any of this for the world. But going along with that, I know that it’s going to come with its difficulties and its hard times and I am trying to prepare for that as well. So that is how my first couple of weeks postpartum have been. But I do wanna stress and say how amazing my mental health is right now and how surprised I am but how grateful I am that it is as good as it has been. I have had a couple of moments that scared me and I thought I might be going into the baby blues or postpartum depression. But it was just a situational stress type of thing, so I need to stop letting other people stress me out as much as they have been in the past. But that’s a whole other topic that I’m just not gonna get into right now.

I hope that you guys enjoyed hearing about my last two weeks of being a mom of two, finally! I hope that some of you can relate and maybe this makes you feel less alienated or alone, maybe you can judge yourself just a little less. Cut yourself some slack. That’s definitely what I need to do. And if you can’t rely I hope that maybe this will help you sympathize with some other moms that are in the same boat as me or maybe it was just entertaining for you to read this, and be up-to-date with my journey. Anyway, please make sure to go check out my latest YouTube video, you can put some visuals to what you just read about, my week. I did a Vlog of my first week postpartum so go check that out, it is my last blog post if you did not know! And look forward to this week's video because it is my second week postpartum. I am not sure how many more posts I will be doing here about postpartum and my experience, but bear with me okay? Also if you have any tips or tricks to make this transition a little smoother from going from one kid to two, or just post part of a general I would very much appreciate it! 

Thank you all for reading!

Zadi <3

Hello Hello Everyone! This week I asked some other moms to share their stories of the crazy things people have said to them during pregnancy and afterward. Let me tell you this is a wild ride. People are so ignorant, rude, and just disrespectful..and maybe just dumb. I'm not sure why people feel entitled enough to say these things to us, just because we're pregnant or moms. So possible TW for some women. Please feel free to share your experience(s) as well in the comments! You might want to take a seat for this one... you may get a little heated. 

Comments at Work

- My supervisor asked me to "aim to have the baby by xx date" WTF

- My Husband's supervisor has asked multiple times when he is going to take leave (two unpaid weeks). He reminds the supervisor that there is no way to know when the baby will be here and one day he will get a call and just walk out.

- My partner's co-worker said to him "Did you know babies put a lot of pressure on a relationship..." and then proceeded to hit on him.

- From a co-worker when I returned to work after 10 weeks: "You’ll end up quitting, you will miss your baby too much and stay home. Why wouldn't you? Daycare is the reason we have so many school shooters and children with mental health issues, kids don't need a nice house they need a mother at home."

Comments on Size

- "You're not due until the end of April? You're going to be huge"

- I'm sick of the "Are you sure there's only one in there?" YES, I'M SURE. I KNOW I'M HUGE THANK YOU

- "Are you sure it's not twins?"

- "You're gonna want to exercise after this one.."

- "Oh my god! What is that?!" A stretchmark, it was just a stretchmark.

- "Oh I see you haven't had the baby yet." Yes, I am aware that I am still pregnant believe it or not I am more disappointed about it than you.

- "How much do you weigh now? 225. "Wow, that's the biggest you've ever been..."

Questioning the Father

- Not to me but someone asked my fiancé "Are you sure it's yours?" Like WTF is that supposed to mean?!

- I had someone imply when my daughter was born. They said "Are you sure she's white?" and I'm like what are you trying to say, just come out and say it if you wanna.

- "If the baby comes out darker than you I'm getting a DNA test" Ummmm WHAT?!

- "So do they have the same dad?"

Comments about Gender, Age Gaps & Number of Kids

- "So are you guys trying to catch up with everyone?" (Context: Our kids are going to be a little over 18 months apart and we're the only ones with only one kid at the moment)

- "What are you having?" A girl. "Oh yeah, girls make you ugly..." Like okay??? Thanks.

- 3 days PP... "when's the next one?" 

On the flip side, I also recently said "When we have another baby..." and someone said "Why would you have another one? I think you should stop. You've got one of each. That's enough"

- Pregnant with our second boy. Just after we told everyone we were having a boy, "Oh...are you going to try for a girl?"

- I have two daughters and have been told that my family will be "complete" when I have a boy. Nah. Now I only want girls. Any child is a blessing.

Comments about Breastfeeding

- When my first child was 6 months old, we found out that my milk dried up without me knowing. I didn't realize she lost weight since I see her daily. She went from the 90th percentile to the 9th percentile. I was so upset and angry with myself. When we told my in-laws about it right after my appointment, my brother-in-law said "Wow, you had one job as a mom and you couldn't even do that." He didn't realize what he said was so horrible because we constantly teased each other. I sobbed in the bathroom after that.

- "Why did you choose to breastfeed? Isn't your baby gonna be super attached to you?

- "Why do you breastfeed?"

- "Breastfeeding is weird. It's an excuse for the man not to do anything."

- Breastfeeding brings on a whole other section of rude comments. A woman compared me breastfeeding in public to porn or shitting in public. "Why can't you put on a cover or feed somewhere else? You want the attention of men?" I said breastfeeding is natural and she says "So is shitting but I'm not doing that in front of people."

Unsolicited Advice & Comments

- The one that bothered me the most, was when my pediatrician said "Did you at least finish school?" also adding multiple questions as if I wasn't "qualified" to be a mother. Just btw I did finish school!

- "What do you do as a SAHM?"

- "When are you going back to school?

- "Why aren't you married? When are you getting married?"

- "You need to punish him or he'll be rebellious when he gets older". This was about my 5-year-old son who wouldn't stop jumping

around. Oh, to add to that they said, "He would never be accepted into my preschool". The same person who was a teacher's assistant at a private preschool and talking about my son cuz he wouldn't sit still. Granted, now she has grandsons who are the same way and my son is now 14 and is a pretty good kid I'm not just saying this as his mom, teachers have said this as well.

- "So are you just going to be a mom then" and "Are you guys getting fixed after this one" Courtesy of my father.

- "Better get your sleep in now."

- "What made you decide to have a baby?"

- I think it's crazy af to tell a woman that there is no way she'll make it to her due date. People fail to realize how powerful their words can be. Why would anyone say that?

- "Are you scared? Are you sure you're ready? You better get your sleep in now, because once the baby is here you won't be able to sleep at all." Like why should I be scared? How exactly is that supposed to help me? I'm not taking care of this baby by myself so if I need to get some sleep his dad will have him!

- "Here are the names I like. They aren't suggestions but if you named your baby this I'd approve." Approve?? Thanks. These names are at the top of my hell-no list.

- "You should get your tubes tied after this one" I'm 20 years old and have one other child...

- "So you're a SAHM, do you stay at home all day long? How do your kids get social interaction? How do you do it? I could never be a SAHM."

- "Your kiddo just needs to do more physical activity or find another hobby so they don't need such powerful meds" My child is bipolar 1.

"Oh, he needs his binkie!!" He was sitting there completely calm just playing with his toys he really doesn't lol.

Thank you all for reading this infuriating, yet relatable post!

And thank you to all the ladies that shared their experience(s)!

Again, if anyone would like to chime in or share their stories as well please do in the comments! 

- Zadi

<3

Janell's Journey with Postpartum Mental Health

For me, postpartum mental health was hard to recognize. As I sit and reflect while writing this entry, I reminisce on my first year postpartum. I had a heavy spike in my mental health the day I went into the hospital to deliver my baby. My son being my first full-term pregnancy I wanted everything to go smoothly. Big shock, it all crashed and burned. 8 hours after laboring with no medication and not dilating I opted for the epidural to give me time to rest until I had to push. 14 hours later I had a c-section and you guessed it, that wasn't part of my birthing plan. The first few hours after surgery were the most blissful hours of the new start of my life. 

Being diagnosed as bipolar but not medicated I can honestly say made finding healthy ground for my mental health challenging. My son being born at 9lbs 1oz meant he needed extra observations. Which just really meant he'd be in the nursery for a couple of days. Going into being pregnant my biggest fear was not leaving the hospital with my baby. So, it was less than 4 hours after meeting the love of my life and he was being torn from my arms because his glucose levels were low. He was now being taken away from me, believing that I had done everything I could to birth a healthy baby. I know what you're thinking, "he was being taken for medical reasons." Yes, this is a valid point, however, please keep in mind that one of the maternity nurses delightfully offered to call child protection services on me if I didn't stop trying to breastfeed my baby. 

Now with that being said, everything scared me. I thought the world was out to get both my son and me. Covid was still rampant and all I could think was how selfish people must've thought I was because I was refusing to visit. Aside from the regular nights of not sleeping with a newborn, I was kicked into overdrive and afraid to fall asleep. With my son being my first, the pressure was heavy not to mess up. Parts of me battled with loving my son while other parts of me battled with not being a good enough mom. My world was caving in. All the happy vibes that surround "normal" pregnancies, I didn't get that, and I felt alone. Not only did I have no one to talk to but someone who couldn't speak at all. I truly felt the most alone I ever had in my life. I would wake up with just enough energy to eat and feed my son every day. 

Two weeks before my son turned 9 months old he's dad decided to leave. Being stressed about how I would keep a place to stay over our heads. I started wondering what could I do to bring myself out of this funk. The week after my son's first birthday, he spent his first night away with his dad. I made the conscious decision to get dressed, put on makeup, and do my hair. I realized I needed to feel like I loved myself again. I needed to feel like I was more than just mom, but I was still JANELL. Have I completely recovered from my mental health issues postpartum? No, but every day is a better day!

My Postpartum Journey Dealing with Postpartum Depression

It all started back in 2019 probably about two weeks after I gave birth to my daughter. I thought that it was just the stress of being a new mom, and doing most of it alone because my boyfriend was living over 30 minutes away, and my mom was working most days. I did feel some sadness, and I was overwhelmed, yes, but it wasn’t anything too crazy. I have been dealing with depression since I was about nine years old, maybe even longer, so it wasn’t anything I wasn’t already used to. I also think for the first two weeks, I was in this blissful state of euphoria from finally meeting my daughter for the first time. 

Like I said before my boyfriend was over 30 minutes away, and my mom was working a lot, so I was mainly home alone with my daughter most days, other than the weekends when her dad would come to visit. It was a lot to handle but it wasn’t too bad, or at least that’s what I was telling myself. As the days went on, the more sleep-deprived I got the more lonely I was, the more irritable I was, and the more depressed I grew. I started to express my emotions and feelings to my boyfriend, and he quickly got the room together enough so my daughter and I could move in with him and his grandparents. By the time I was 2 1/2 months postpartum, we had moved in with her dad. At first, it seemed great because I finally had more help, I didn’t have to do everything alone anymore, and it seemed to be the best option, at the time. As the days went on, the boxes never got unpacked, things never got organized like I said they were going to, and the room just continued to get dirtier and dirtier and it stayed that way for months.

My Negative "Coping Skills"

One thing that I didn’t take into account before moving in with my boyfriend, was that I would be closer to all of my "friends" yet again. Keep in mind I was only 17 when I gave birth to my daughter, so all of our friends were around 16 and 17 years old, as well. While they were all wanting to party all the time, we had to be parents, work, and take care of a newborn baby. Before moving in with him I was completely fine with being a full-time mom and growing up quickly. Almost immediately after I moved in with him, I was sucked into wanting to party, smoke, and drink. Every boundary that I had set during my pregnancy for myself and our daughter had gone right out the window. I was breastfeeding, and I did end up smoking and I got nervous that it would get into her system, so I immediately stopped breastfeeding. To this day I still regret that not only because the formula is so expensive, but also because I had such a huge supply of breastmilk and it just went to waste. 

I’m not gonna sit here and blame everything on our "friends", or anything like that. I decided to do everything, maybe I was peer pressured, but at the end of the day, I was in charge of myself. And I take full responsibility for that, it just really sucks to say that that’s how I handled the situation at the time. If I’m being completely honest, I think I developed a little problem with drinking around that time as well. Thankfully our daughter wasn’t around it, we would have her go to the babysitter’s or my mom’s. But even then, looking back I was not present for months at a time. I was always in my head, I was never living in the present so I don’t have a bunch of memories from the first six months of her life, maybe even longer. Thankfully we do have a bunch of pictures and videos, but other than that I don’t have many memories. I'm not saying I was fucked up all the time and that's why I wasn't present, it was just everything that was going on at the time. I guess my biggest struggle during this period was learning to balance being a mother and being a teenager at the same time.

Having No Support

I wasn’t the best mother that I could be for my daughter, for at least the first year and a half of her life. I made mistake after mistake, and yes it’s completely normal and okay to make mistakes as a mother, but I still hold some resentment toward myself because of the things that I did or didn’t do. 

As a result of being under so much stress, being overwhelmed, and honestly not getting the support and help that I needed during the first year and a half of her life. Not from my partner or any sort of therapist, I just turned into a completely different person than who I truly am or was. I was really angry and just impulsive. My boyfriend and I would argue every single day, multiple times a day, about anything and everything. From who was going to change the next diaper, to who was going to bath her, and whose turn it was to feed her. Now looking back it’s completely ridiculous, but it was just so hard to handle at the time. I started to resent him as well as the months went by and nothing was changing. Yes, I would try to communicate with him but it was not in the most productive way so nothing came of it. I'm also not going to sit here and only blame myself because it does take two to tangle, but this is about me and my part, I won't speak for him.

Like I said I wasn’t going to therapy, I wasn’t on any sort of medication for my mental health, but I think the biggest thing is I wasn’t taking care of myself in any way shape, or form. I wasn’t taking showers regularly, I wasn’t washing my face or doing my hair. I was doing absolutely nothing for myself, to bring any sort of joy into my life other than smoking or drinking, and obviously, that’s not a healthy thing to do, at least the way I was. I think that’s a huge reason why I was so depressed and down about my life for so long. Not only was I not taking care of myself, but I also wasn’t a priority at all, I didn’t feel important in any way.

Earlier I mentioned how impulsive I was, during this time I decided to move out of my boyfriend‘s grandparents' house and move in with my aunt. That lasted for about a week until I moved back because I wasn’t ready to grow up still at that point, but while I was there I realized how much I was fucking up as a parent. How messy our room was, how much I wasn’t doing with my daughter, how depressed and angry I was. And if I’m being honest, I just felt like I was unfit to be a mom. I didn’t think that I was capable of being the mom that I wanted and needed to be for her. 

How PPD Affected My Relationship

The other impulsive thing that I ended up doing during the first year and a half of her life, was cheating on her dad. I could sit here and blame it all on postpartum depression, my mental health, and how bad our relationship got. But the reality of it is I was just not myself, I acted out of impulse and I instantly regretted it. I won’t go too far into this, because it’s a whole other story that I will eventually be doing a post about. But long story short I ended up moving out and having to restart everything completely over again. I guess I was considered homeless for a little bit of time, but I got that figured out for a few months. Ended up getting a job and yes, I was in a really bad state of mind, but I did get a therapist and I was on medication and I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel even though it was super far away. 

Well, her father and I ended up getting back together about five months after we had broken up. And I wish I could say that everything was butterflies and rainbows, but that’s just not the truth. I had started my self-healing journey, I had a lot of work left to do, and I still do, but it was the beginning of something and that’s what I held onto. I was changing and that’s what I cared about, I still had a lot of bad days, but there were a few better days than before. So I was trying to just make it to the next good day. And those bad days could get pretty bad, I wasn’t cooking, I wasn’t cleaning, I wasn't eating. I was going to work for a while but then I would get home and wanna go straight to sleep. And then I got the bright idea to get pregnant again because I thought that would fix my relationship with her dad, after only being together again for about five or six months. Once I got pregnant again I did end up dealing with prenatal depression, which I had no idea was even a thing. But I was probably the most depressed I have ever been in my entire life and yet again that’s another story. But it was just a really hard couple of months.

My Mental Health Today

I can now say that I’m okay, even though I’m not happy 24/7, but I don’t need to be that's not what I'm striving for at the moment. I’m content with the way that I’m living right now, and yes of course I have a lot of work that I still need to do on myself. But I am in the best state of mind that I have ever been in, probably in my entire life. And I don’t wanna take that for granted. I will say that the fear of dealing with postpartum depression, or any other postpartum mental illness, really does scare me. Especially because I am only about 25 days away from my due date with my son. I’m just hoping that since I have more support now, I’m not doing this by myself, I have been doing a lot of work on myself and I also have a therapist that I like. That my mental health won’t go super downhill this time, especially since I’ve been through it before I’ll hopefully be able to catch it before it gets too bad if I do happen to deal with it again.

My Advice for Mom's Dealing with Postpartum Mental Illness

Some of the best advice that I can give to any moms who are dealing with postpartum depression, or any postpartum mental illness for that matter. Please prioritize yourself, you are so important. If you are not taken care of, then nothing else can be taken care of. Whether that be your children, your home, your relationships, anything. You have to prioritize yourself first and make sure that all of your needs are met. No matter what you have to do to do that, maybe wake up an hour earlier, or stay up an hour later, etc. It’s harder said than done, especially if you’re dealing with feeling like you’re not important enough like I was. But it’s so vital to take care of yourself, especially after giving birth to a baby because it is such a stressful and overwhelming time. It's even scary sometimes because you can potentially go insane. And that’s not to scare anybody or anything like that, it’s just the reality of some mom‘s experiences. And that’s okay, it’s okay to struggle, it’s okay to have bad days but don’t let it consume you. One thing that I can say is once I noticed how badly I was feeling, and how shitty of a mom I was, yeah it took a couple of months to truly understand and start changing my mindset and things like that, but I still changed. Things take time, nothing is going to change overnight. Celebrate the little victories, like waking up, taking a shower, and keeping your children alive another day. To some people that may seem like the bare minimum, but for you (and me most days), it may be the only way to keep moving forward. Oh, and stop comparing yourself to other moms, no one is perfect, no matter how they come across on social media or even in real life. We all have different struggles but don't belittle yourself or your problems just because someone "has it worst". Give yourself some love, and give yourself a break, it’s all okay, and it’s going to be okay, no matter how bad it is right now.

Thank You All for Reading This Week's Blog Post!

I hope it helped some of you even a little bit, to know that you're not alone and that you've got this! If any of you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here, just an e-mail or DM away. I also created a group on here for anyone dealing with mental health problems, whether that be from postpartum or not, feel free to join that as well! 

PSA!!!

As you all saw my friend Janell sent in an entry for this week! Thank you so much Janell for being so raw and honest with all of us! I love that I could share another mom's experience with you guys, as well as my own.

With that being said I also just wanted to let you all know that I am looking for some more moms who are willing to be open and honest with some of their stories, experiences, opinions, and knowledge on all sorts of different topics for the blog. So, if you would be interested please contact me in any way.

Thank You!!

-Zadi

Welcome everyone, to the very first blog post! As you can see from the title I'll be sharing my journey as a mother, thus far! So, please sit back, relax, grab a snack maybe even a drink, and enjoy!

Where it All Began

I'm not exactly sure where I should begin, so I'll start by giving a brief overview of what my life was like at the time. I was a 16-year-old girl, madly in love with her boyfriend of 8 months, who had just turned 16 years old himself. Like I said I was crazy in love with this boy, yes we had only been together 8 months at the time, but for me, it felt like a lifetime. Very naive thinking for sure, but what can I say I was young and dumb. 

I got invited to go to Virginia Beach with my boyfriend, his grandparents, and our friend. Surprisingly my grandpa agreed to let me go with them, and we were all super excited to get the hell out of Ohio! Especially before school started back up in a couple of weeks. No one was comfortable flying there and it was also pretty expensive at the time, so we decided to drive the 8 hours it took to get there. 

Once we got to Virginia Beach, we had a blast spending money on a bunch of shit we didn't need, swimming in the nasty ocean water that was littered with trash, and enjoying some "extracurricular activities" as well. 

On the last night there, at around 4:30 in the morning, my boyfriend and I decided to go "enjoy the balcony" together on a popped air mattress, on the second floor, right near the public pool...if you're catching my drift. 

The entire month before going to Virginia, my boyfriend and I had talked about trying for a baby because we loved each other so much and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. During that month, we were actively trying to conceive, with no luck. Probably because I had no idea what I was doing when it came to tracking a menstrual cycle.

Fast forward a few weeks, and school had started back up, I was a junior and my boyfriend was a sophomore. We had been back to school for maybe a week then, and surprisingly enough, I had missed my period. I ran to his grandparents' house and took a pregnancy test, the moment school was let out that day. 

I waited patiently and BOOM! There it was, two lines...

at that moment, in my boyfriend's grandparents' bathroom, at 16 years old, my life had changed forever. Yes, we asked for this, but we had no idea what being parents entailed. 

Dropping Out

The plan was for both my boyfriend and I to graduate high school and, further our education while also working so we could afford to pay for our baby. Oh, and I was also supposed to be moving in with him and his grandparents ASAP. Spoiler: That didn’t happen and it took a while and stressed me the fuck out!

Well, that plan fell through a whole 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. I ended up posting about it online and people started running with it. Some kids said I was doing crack, while others were threatening to kick me in the stomach and kick me down the stairs, while the others were just telling me to get an abortion. Little did anyone know, we had planned this the entire time, so that hurt, a lot. Especially when it came from our "friends" and family.

I ended up leaving that school, because of the threats, and the school did nothing about it. They actually kicked me out of the counselor's office, which I was in specifically because I didn't feel safe. No one cared and just shrugged it off as kids being kids. Well, I ended up walking out of the building that day, once the bell rang for 3rd period, and I never looked back. I tried out online schooling, and that just didn't work for me, so I ended up dropping out completely. Under the impression that I was going to get my GED by the time the baby was here. Didn't happen.

The Pregnancy, Labor & Delivery

The pregnancy was very healthy, I didn't have any complications, thankfully. The only issue I vividly remember having was feeling so lonely. Once I moved to my mom's, 30 minutes away from all of my "friends" and my boyfriend. I would cry...like a lot, but that's pretty normal for pregnancy anyways. I did actually end up vlogging a decent amount of my pregnancy as well though and you can check that out on my YouTube.

Fast forward to May 14th, 2019, I went into the hospital around 3 pm to get induced. I ended up being in labor for 23 hours, but for 13 of those hours, I really didn't feel much at all. I was up coloring and watching YouTube like it was just another day. Once they broke my water that all changed, and I started begging for an epidural, which I had to wait an hour for because the anesthesiologists were switching shifts. I was very much upset, to say the least. 

After getting the epidural, things went back to going pretty smoothly. I ended up taking a nap, and once I woke up I had people in my face telling me it was time to start pushing. I started to get nervous, I mean what a way to wake up! My mom wasn't in the room, so my boyfriend had to call her and have her run upstairs. Not to mention he had no room to be up by my face, so he saw it ALL from a not-so-flattering angle. 

Our baby came out 5 lb 11 oz & 19 in. From THAT moment on my life was changed even more. As soon as she took her first breath I knew I had such an amazing, new, and bigger purpose in this world than I could've ever imagined before. Labor was overwhelming and hurt just a tad, but it was all so worth it for our little baby girl! I did end up breastfeeding for 2 months before I was super over it, but that's a whole other topic I'll get into soon enough. 

The Move

As she grew older, I grew more and more depressed. For the first 2 months of her life, it was mainly just me taking care of her. Other than on weekends when my boyfriend was off work, or during the week when my mom was home. So, it was definitely hard, to say the least, but we got through it!

After living with my mom for about two months alone with the baby, we decided it was finally time for us to go move in with her dad. At first, it was smooth sailing, I had high hopes for the new change, and I was honestly just really excited to be together as a family, atlas. 

That all started to change quickly, with the stress of moving, unpacking, taking care of a newborn, trying to get comfortable in a new home while also learning how to be a mom, trying to maintain a relationship, and also still having a social life. All of that started to weigh heavy on me, and I quickly got overwhelmed. Instead of making a game plan, or trying to figure out what to do to help the situation, I just dwelled in the depression and anxiety, which really fucked me over. I ended up dealing with PPD (Post-Partum Depression) for an entire year and a half after that. 

For the most part, she was a very easy baby, she slept throughout the night almost immediately after coming home, she ate well, wasn't colicky, and never had any health issues, thankfully. Yet even with such a great baby, I was still so overwhelmed and never dealt with that. I became very angry, irritable, irresponsible, and just not a very good version of myself. As I look back now I can really see how shitty I really was at the time. I just wasn't honest with myself about needing help with my mental health and being a young mom. I felt as if I needed to have everything under control, while I had nothing under control. I was under the impression that I knew EVERYTHING when in reality I didn't know a damn thing about anything!

Breaking Up and Buying a House

Fast forward a year, to March of 2020, the pandemic was just announced and my 18th birthday was just around the corner. I had just gotten my first job since being pregnant, and life was still very difficult for me mentally, so the pandemic definitely didn't help that out. As the months went on things just continued to go downhill, with my parenting, mental health, and my relationship with my boyfriend and honestly even my family and friends as well. 

One thing led to another and my boyfriend and I did end up splitting up. Luckily enough that only lasted for about 5 months, but during those 5 months I went through HELL. I was homeless for a little bit, thankfully I always had a place to sleep, but nonetheless, it was not a great feeling or place to be, not being able to call somewhere ”home“. I did end up getting a job that I really enjoyed but it wasn't enough income to get my own place.

Once my boyfriend and I got back together, I ended up buying us a trailer with some money my grandpa had given me to get back on my feet. Without that, I'm not sure where I would be at this point in my life. It was a rocky road for about a year, learning how to be a homeowner, a better parent, partner, and person in general. We went through a couple of different roommates during the first year, which was stressful, to say the least. I went through a couple of therapists and different medications, with no luck. 

Toddler Things & Baby #2

Backing it up a bit, it wasn't until my daughter hit the 2-year mark, that she started being a bit more difficult. She started giving us attitude, rolling her eyes, talking back, drawing on walls, and repeating EVERYTHING she heard, all that fun toddler stuff. She also developed a bit of an obsession with Baby Shark EVERYTHING! At this point, Baby Shark has now been banned, and I refuse to put on the movie, music videos, or anything for that matter. Other than the TV show they just recently came out with, it's somewhat bearable. 

Around this same time in May of 2021, I brought up the idea of trying for another baby and my boyfriend was not about it. A few weeks passed, and he came to me and said we could try to see what happens. Well, a month later we found out I was pregnant yet again! I was excited, but I can't say the same for anyone else. The news was met with some pretty judgmental looks and conversations. Understandably so, we had just gotten back together about 6 months prior and we weren't in the best place financially either, and like I said before my mental health was pretty much shot.

As time went on people came around, and now everyone is super excited to meet baby #2, which is great. We did find out we're having a boy this time around, which is very exciting! Now it's just a waiting game for him.

Life Right Now

As for my daughter, she is about to be 3 years old! I cannot even believe that, it feels like just yesterday I was holding this teeny tiny baby, and now she is up to my hips. She is the sassiest little girl I have ever met in my life...can't imagine who she gets that from...ha! She is also super-duper smart, talks very very well, maybe even too well sometimes, and she is just a light in my life! You know until she looks at me and yells "I don't like you, I don't like mommy!" because I took trash away from her, or I turned down her cartoons… a little dramatic if you ask me. But hey, she doesn't take anyone's shit though! I have to look at the positives so I don't go insane most days. 

Since December of 2021, I've been strictly a SAHM and it's honestly been great. I've been cooking most meals, and I'm actually really good at it! I've been learning to clean, and get on routines/schedules, I've also been teaching myself to budget and meal plan which has been super helpful! Most importantly, I've been truly working on myself and my mental health, so much that I've been noticing the positive effects of it! I'll go as far as to say I'm in the best place mentally I've ever been in! While I put so much time and effort into bettering myself, it also betters my parenting and my relationships as well, which is just amazing! So I'm hoping that this continues for a long while. Wish me Luck!

WOW, that seemed like a lot, and maybe as if it was all over the place. Like I said this is my first website and blog post ever so please please bear with me as I learn to better my writing and this whole website in general. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate it! Make sure to check back in again next Monday around noon EST for yet another beginner post!

Thank you again!

- Zadi